Are you my Mr. E?

i was with him again last tuesday… mr. lbdt… i couldn’t resist the temptation… but i haven’t spoken to him since… it’s weird, the thing i have with him… purely physical… it’s not a fun thing to do… it’s different when you’re with someone you really have an emotional connection to… i guess it’s a one way thing in our case.. i’m sure he couldn’t care less about me except for my physical aspect.. i don’t want to do this anymore..

i think the reason why i haven’t been able to find my mr. e, is because i’ve been busying myself with all the wrong guys… 7 years.. 7 years of bad relationships…wrong decisions… wrong solutions… i think it’s time i sit on a corner and think my life over.. i know i could live a better life..

had an intense craving for mr. lbdt again yesterday.. i left a message on his phone but he didn’t answer sooner.. good thing mr. perfect called and came over too.. i changed my mind about inviting mr. lbdt over.. i know.. bad girl.. sometimes, i just dont think about what i ‘m doing, which is how i get myself in such messes.. i hate how i get myself into such situations.. i’m really asking for it.. i’ve decided before not to see mr. lbdt anymore.. too heavy on my conscience.. but there are just those moments of temptation that you sometimes would just love to give into.. thank God situation prevented things from happening yesterday.. i know i wouldn’t have been able to control them on my own…

part of me is telling me i should stop getting into relationships altogether.. since i seem like i’m not able to handle it yet.. with all the stuff i’m getting into right now.. i don’t sound like i’m ready for things.  but things seem to be going good again with mr. perfect.. maybe he’s trying to bring back things but slower this time.. things were just rushed between us the last time.. maybe he’s trying to fix things? or am i just wishing for something that’s not there again? oh well.. at least this time around i’m not as into him as i was before… this time, i’m more guarded.. i wont give as much of myself as i did.. i know how hurt i got the last time.. i don’t want that happening again..

mr. e… show yourself to me..

that’s what i need.. i shouldn’t be looking.. i should just be waiting..

mr. perfect came by again this evening.. we hung out and then had a quick dinner.. i’m starting to like the way things are going between us.. slow but great.. i think there might be a chance at this after all.. but again, i’m not getting my hopes up.. i don’t want to get depressed again.. life will get better..

i’m meeting so many people right now but i think what i’ve been fearing most has happened.. the death of my soul.. the death of my emotions.. i used to long for people.. not one person in particular, but i used to always think there was that one someone who i’d long to be with in throughout the day, throughout my life.. i remember feeling the want.. right now, well.. i am a rock.. i can’t even feel the beating of my heart right now.. i’m wondering how my blood is circulating..  i want to feel.. even if it means feeling hurt.. when it’s all gone, you miss it.. and you forget you’re alive..

the past few days i’ve been busy with my alternate life so i havent been able to blog much lately.. a few more mr.’s are popping in and out of my life but too insignificant for me to elaborate.. wondering about the previous ones? okay let me give you a bit of an update..

mr. perfect popped back into my life, he came by while i was at a coffee shop last week.. we talked a bit, and he brought me home. I invited him in for a while.. no nothing happened, (at least nothing like mr. lbdt ) but we did get intimate.. i wasn’t planning to though.. i remember the last time i kissed him, i didn’t get that much of a response from him.. that was when i concluded he didn’t want me as much as i wanted him.. i guess you could say after so much, i’ve finally moved on, and all of a sudden, he jumps back in.. that night he one made too many passes at me that i gave in.. but that was just a night after i was with mr. lbdt.. i know.. it bothered me a lot.. i couldn’t believe i was there being with a guy a night after being with another.. i wasn’t that into the moment, but it wasn’t his fault.. i just had too much on my mind.. he invited me to go out with him again the next day and we did.. actually i thought he was going to cancel again, but to my surprise we pushed through with it.. after that, it was a couple of days again before i heard from him.. i guess things are going to be that way with us? am i letting myself be used? *sigh*

as for mr. lbdt, the days that followed that 2nd night with him, i spent thinking about everything, and realizing that that wasn’t the kind of girl i wanted to be.. and that wasn’t the kind of guy i wanted to make him either.. he’s a good guy.. and if not for my being so slutty i think he’d be a better half to his other half..

somebody slap me with a whip.. mr. e, show urself to me and do the honors please…

i was with mr. lbdt again last night.. but didn’t hear from him today… i think it’s all just a physical thing between him and me.. but a part of me refuses to care anymore.. or so i thought.. i’ve done much thinking today and i want to stop things between me and mr. lbdt before we dig ourselves a bigger hole.. but i don’t know how to go about it without ruining things between him and me.. i wish i could go back to last week, i’d change how i handled things with him.. when he came along, i was so frustrated about mr. perfect that i let go of all my resolve, not to mention my common sense..

but tonight mr. perfect came to see me.. he was about to tell me something but when i grilled him about it he changed his mind, then he’d tell me soon.. and he kissed me.. the last time we were together, he wouldn’t kiss me back. now i’m confused.. or was it just the moment?

i’m beginning to think that i’m not fit to handle any relationship right now.. i don’t know how to control myself.. i give too much of myself that i think i tend to get taken for granted.. right now, i can’t help but feel like a whore.. 2 nights, 2 different guys.. one committed to a girl, one to his career..  one known to be a player.. one known to be as loyal as they get.. but both of them treat me the same way.. a piece of meat that they have their fun with, then leave to dry.. i must stop allowing myself to be treated this way.. this is not the way to live a life..

right now, i’m scared.. scared that i have lost my emotions.. it’s become all too easy for me to be with different guys.. it’s like i don’t care anymore.. and i do things just to get it over with, not really caring what the implications of it would be.. i want a change.. i need a change… but i want to do it and not affect any of the people i know.. both of them are my friends, and i don’t want to lose the friendship with any of them.. i don’t know what i’m supposed to do.. if i had the power to, i’d vanish to the opposite side of the world, and live in recluse, and keep with women, away from men.. i’m tired.. i’m tired of all the bull that the men i’ve met have been feeding me with.. i wish there were a better way to live my life.. and i wish i could live it out..

meet mr ‘look but don’t touch’.. he’s someone i’ve had my eye on for an extremely long time now.. i never thought he’d take notice of me though.. but a few days ago, for some reason, he opened up and told me that he fancied me for quite some time as well. in three days we’ve been telling each other how we secretly wanted something to happen between the two of us but for certain reasons held back.. then everything came like a landslide.. almost all my fantasies about him got fulfilled last night, the first time we were together and seeing each other openly in a different light. has he come to help me forget mr. perfect? the past few days, that he has.. but i’m not so sure whether this is a lasting thing.. i see it more of a lusting thing.. mmm i’m still thinking about everything that happend last night..

i wrote him another email.. i’m sorry! i couldn’t take it anymore.. i’m not really one who harbors any grudges to people and i hate knowing that there’s someone i’m not in too great terms with.. so i emailed him and apologized if ever i said anything insulting or hurting in my last email, and i told him that i just wanted to be friends. he sms-d saying he’d like to talk.. he said we’d talk last night, then when last night came, he said he wasn’t feeling okay so he said we move it to this morning.. and when this morning came, again, he wasn’t feeling okay so we had to resched..

am i being too naive by thinking that he really does want to talk to me? or is luck just not on his side hence the illnesses.. or is it just not his priority? i still feel like an idiot.. i wish i could get over him now.. here’s a part of a song i just came across.. says perfectly how i feel right now..

You should’ve just told me the truth, That i wasn’t the girl for you… Still i didn’t have a clue, So my heart depended on You… Whoah
Although i’ll say ‘i hate u’ now, Although i’ll shout and curse you out… I’ll always have love for you, Because i am a girl
- Because I’m a girl (kiss)

what else is there to life if i don’t think about love? am i just to obsessed with finding that person that i’m becoming blind to seeing what else is around me? do you actually look for love or just simply wait for it? life is so confusing.. love alone gives so many questions, what more for the other aspects of it.. one thing’s for sure, we make our own decisions, and what we decide has its own set of consequences.. good luck to us.. may we all live a life of no regrets..

maybe i should just give up hope of ever finding my Mr. E for now.. maybe it’s just not my time.. or maybe it’s just not for me.. maybe life has other plans for me right now? should i put a hold on my search for my Mr. E? i guess i should, cause it seems like even the existence of a Mr. E is left a mystery to me..