Are you my Mr. E?

and honestly, can’t help but think about mr. perfect.. i haven’t heard from him for a full week.. he came over and talked with me that time i was depressed after the incident with mr. lbdt, though i didn’t tell him what was bothering me. I must admit, i’m still hoping a bit with mr. perfect.. it would be nice to have a romantic valentine’s day despite everything.. i know how romantic he can become.. i guess it’s not him i’m attached to, but i guess right now, he’s the most likely guy who can send me that giddy highschool thrill i so miss already.. i have received flowers, and confessions of feelings etc.. but just not from the right people.. i mean they’re great guys, but there’s just no spark.. and yes, although love is a decision, i know i wasn’t meant to decide on them. life is such.. i’m not cruel am i? are we really all after the people we can never have? where is my mr. e…

luckily, things are getting better for me.. no i haven’t found someone.. not even anyone close to my mr. e…and no date for tomorrow except for my books.. someone came with flowers today.. but he’s not someone i’d want to get together with.. ami bad for not giving him a chance? i just don’t think of things in that light.. and another guy sms’d last night, telling me of his feelings.. again, i don’t feel the same for him.. are my standards too high? i don’t know.. i’m wondering… why can’t i be happy? why can’t i just have someone.. someone i can be happy with…

reason for my last post? i was with mr. lbdt again last tuesday.. yes, tuesdays are his nights.. not last night though, though it almost happened again. I’m glad i was able to stop myself. but that last night, i think i went a bit crazy… to the point of wanting to jump off our building. I just felt like i had nothing else to live for, that i’ve ruined myself so much.. i’m no longer fit for anyone, to accept.. i’m no longer good enough for my mr. e… love for me is hopeless… i won’t count on it any longer.. i hope i find myself though.. i’ve been so bent on becoming someone for others, that i forgot about myself.. and here i am, wanting to go back, but not knowing the way.. i just wish the earth could swallow me whole…

this is not the life i wanted to live. i want it over with already. everything is hopeless. stop breathing.. i want to stop breathing..