Are you my Mr. E?

I’ve been looking in the wrong places to be satisfied. I’ve been looking for the wrong things to get fulfilled. I think it’s time for me to take a time out. A time out to myself. My self needs fixing. I need to make myself the best I can be, for when my Mr. E comes, when the time comes. This is Mizzunderstood, signing out– for now.

and forget all my Mr.’s.

i only talk to mr. far away online.. i’m excited to go to work everyday so i can chat with him.. he’s a very witty guy and i’m enjoying the conversations i have with him.. i’m tempted to ask for his mobile number.. then again, if we start sms-ing, i’m scared that will loose the whole mystery and excitement of things.. i’ve already learned that absence makes the heart grow fonder.. i don’t want what happened with mr. perfect to happen with him.. i remember we went out everyday for a full month.. too much that he grew tired of it i guess.. i’m scared something like that will happen.. if we sms too much, he’df probably have a similar reaction and loose interest.. i also don’t want to run out of things to say to him.

 another thing that concerns me about mr. far away, is that he’s actually the ultimate love interest of one of my friends. Although i shouldn’t be feeling guilty because first, nothing ever happened between the two of them.. and second, someone else seems to be occupying her attention right now.. so i guess it’s not that big of an issue, i hope..

oh yes, and there’s also that “he looks like your ex” issue.. *sigh* oh well.. it’s just a crush :p

i don’t know why i’ve created a category on mr. far away already when nothing has happened yet.. okay, brief background.. i actually met him a year ago, but we’ve been no more than acquaintances. At first, i actually had a bit of a crush on him because he looked a lot like mr. x. but i got over that crush and we were the hi-hello type friends. After a while he had to move somewhere else to work. now all of a sudden, he IMs me out of nowhere. He’s actually quite fun to chat with, i enjoy the sense of humor he has.

somehow, i get the feeling that God is showing me, through mr. far away, the kinds of guys i’ve made myself unworthy of because of all the bad things i’m getting myself into..

i don’t know what’s going to happen.. should i even hope? nah.. i’ve been disappointed before.. and that hurts.. so why have i already created a category? i guess he’s going to be my object of wishful thinking from now on.. a guy i could have had.. if only i were a good girl.. could have, because even if he were to initiate something, i’d be too ashamed of myself to entertain him.. he’s the type of guy whom i could honestly say is too good for me.. not good as in goody goody.. but i wouldn’t help but feel i’m unworthy of him. the type of guy who can really make me say ‘what have i done with my life..’ *sigh*

and mr. lbdt sms’d at just the right time.. so last night i was with him again.. a vicious cycle (and vice) to indulge in.. i know i have to stop.. i don’t want to make excuses, because i know there aren’t any sufficient ones. i guess you can say i don’t want to stop it yet.. right now i feel no reason to.. and it’s hard to control carnal wishes if you don’t have a reason to.. yes lame reasoning to excuse myself from the bad things i’m doing.. how pathetic.. must improve myself! but it’s difficult.. when you don’t have any reason to do so.. my Mr. E should be my reason.. but right now, i don’t think he’s ever coming into my life.. or maybe he’s just waiting for me to straighten myself out? i don’t know.. and frankly, i don’t care.. it’s his fault he’s taking so long.. i feel like i’m decaying.. pretty soon.. i hate to become someone fucked up beyond all repair.. but i think that’s my destiny.. is my Mr.E just a fantasy?

Can people survive without having someone to love, and more importantly, to love them and return? I guess I am. Good side is, you get to focus on other things, discover stuff that you wouldn’t have time for if you were engrossed with your lovey dovey. hmmm.. i know what you’r thinking — that’s what all loveless losers say *sigh*

Where is my Mr. E…

i was supposed to meet up with mr. lbdt tonight.. he sms’d me this morning, saying he wanted to see me.. and now he sms’d that he had to stay  overtime at work so he had to cancel. i guess God knew I couldn’t handle the temptation on my own so he made things this way.. i was hyped up all day looking forward to see him, knowing at the back of my mind that i was going to get some tonight :p oh well, serves me right.. now i feel alone.. what am i doing..is this really the worth i see in myself? just a booty call girl? i don’t know why i put up to this.. i have to get out.. move forward and occupy myself with other things.. good things, so i don’t settle for this and end up just getting hurt and feeling worthless.. what am i doing to myself.. i am shit.

it’s been a long time since i was last with mr. lbdt. and since that time, he hasn’t sms’d or anything. we did see each other last week and that was a simple hi from him. He sms’d the other night but i was already asleep. so last night i sms’d him, but i think this time he was the one who was asleep. then this morning he replied to my message and then i asked him whether he was at work. He replied with a yes-take-care sms terminating combo. i’ve been itching so much to talk to him. i don’t know, i’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, what it would be like to be with mr. lbdt as his certified significant other, and not just another booty call. I mean, i think i’d make a pretty good girlfriend. I wonder if i told him, he’d give me the chance… He actually has a significant other right now. they’ve been together for as long as i’ve known them, but for that same duration, i know he’s been having his share of fun, despite the girl’s immense loyalty. i don’t know why i want myself involved with this kind of person but i really am interested in pursuing a relationship with him. Probably when the time comes when he’s no longer attached, i’d probably tell him. or would that be too forward? I’m certain he’s attracted to me. Aside from him actually telling me so, i don’t think he’d fool around with me if he weren’t physically attracted to me. My only problem would be, if i could emotionally attract him.  i could take care of him, he’s definitely someone i can enjoy taking care of. I like his view on life, simple, practical and a survival. If not him, i wish i could find someone like him.

omg, i have a crush on mr. lbdt, all over again! hmmm..

as for the rest of my life, it’s still a bummer..

I have noone in particular to talk about today.. i just felt like writing.. i’ve been immersing myself in work the past few weeks wanting to rid myself of my feelings for Mr. X and all the other Mister-y (or rather misery) men out.. but i can’t help but be reminded