Are you my Mr. E?

i don’t know why i’m so worked up that Mr. Friendzone asked to go out with me “just the two of us” this weekend. I told him I’d get back to him on it depending on the workload that my boss gives me. I’m so bad at turning down guys. Some guys just make it too awkward. They jump the gun! I guess there are two ways to approach a girl, as i was sharing with a friend of mine the other day. There’s the black and white approach, where you fix a date where you ask THE question as if it’s a proposal for marriage and “force” her to say yes or no. Then there’s the gradient approach, where you just go with the flow and see where things take you. I have to say, for me, gone are the “will you be my girlfriend” days. It’s either I enjoy your company or not. If you’re going to make me feel uncomfortable by having me make a decision about how I feel about you, sorry, it’s always going to be no, and don’t bet on the “persistence will get your girl” theory either. To me that’s known as, “how to make yourself annoying”. Get a clue, playing hard to get is no longer an in thing either. So, long story short, i hope he spares himself the embarassment and just leaves me alone.

things are getting more and more complicated. I have to stop myself but i can’t control myself missing him. I guess I’m being complacent knowing that he’s on the opposite side of the world… with his family. I hate myself for doing this! I hate myself for feeling these emotions for this guy who has a family who loves him, and whom he loves. Though, I’d be thinking too high of myself if i thought for one second that I could ever take him away from that. I bet the thought never even crossed his mind. I bet that he’s just entertaining me for the thrill of it. I guess everyone is like that. They love challenges, and they love being able to see that they can “still hack it”. The only fool in this game is me, because i’m letting myself fall. Then again, there’s also a part of me that feels like i’m just also playing the part, knowing that nothing is going to happen between the two of us, since i know how committed he is to his family.

What i don’t want, is for this to get too complicated for me to handle. I don’t want this to become too deep. I don’t want to get involved. Marriage is something that should be treated sacred. That’s definitely not something i want to mess up.