Are you my Mr. E?

I had the pleasure of meeting a decent man. The first time I met him, I knew he would be interesting. But as with all men that I find interesting, he was taken, worse, he was married.

And so when we talk, I settle for the banter, not really taking him seriously. But I did notice we really did gel in our conversations.

So that night of the first day, he invited me on an incognito drinks night and i agreed. The next day, it was just funny that we were sharing secret stares.

That night, we went a bit overboard on alcohol and well i guess things heated up. We had talked about work and my sad sordid love life.  Long story short, there was a point when we were struggling on whether to go back to his room or for him to send me home. He told me he’d only do it if can look him straight in the eye and say i can get into this once and walk away. Because he said he can’t.

He took me home, and he told me i deserve so much more than he can offer.

He’s a good man, and I’m happy that there are men that respect women, respect ME enough, to do what he did.

No, i didn’t sleep with him.

I’m now confused, why is he still talking to me. He could have just avoided me altogether. But he’s still talking to me… Now i totally am confused where I am. Nonetheless.. maybe i should stop expecting. I should just move on and consider him just a friend, at least for now.

I had been a bit emotional the past few days but i guess i’m okay now. I don’t know what’s next. I hope i don’t end up with another entry about another guy anytime soon. I just experienced some serious heartbreak and I’d be an idiot to just jump right in again.

I do feel strongly for this guy though. I’m hoping someday, he will see me in the same light as I see him right now. I guess for now I’ll have to keep this “light” locked up in a closet. We’ll just see how this goes.

It’s all part of the experience.

I sort of told  him how i feel through email, and there was no reply. I am guessing there is no reciprocation, at least not to that level as i was expecting. We’ll probably still be friends.. hmm.. i’ve had too many reasons to believe that is true.

With someone who is on the other side of the world.

“Every night you cry yourself to sleep thinking why does this happen to me, why does every moment have to seem so hard.”

It’s all part of the experience.

There always has to be something missing, does there?

Let me tell you about what I dream of. I can’t tell him because I might scare him off. I like him a  lot and i really don’t want to ruin things right now.

I dream that 2 years from now, we’ll be wherever he plans to be. I would say that would be somewhere in the states. I’d have some great job there (hey it’s a dream right?) and we’d be together. He’d be doing what he loves to do, I’d be doing what I love to do (question remains what that would be). And at the end of the day, I can go home to him, or he can go home to me, and we’d go out for dinner, because by then, I probably wouldn’t have domesticated myself yet. It takes a while to learn how to cook, especially since right now I haven’t even started learning yet. We’d probably spend time, taking a walk to somewhere we both would enjoy eating. I can eat anything so it’ll be something he likes, just to make up for my not being able to cook for him.

I want to be the person that will make him happy. I want to be that person that will bring that smile to his face.

Today, I was talking to him over IM and it was nice to be able to see him and make him smile. It was a strange feeling, something I remember from my high school days. It was a feeling I missed to be honest, being able to make someone smile, making me smile. That strange tugging of the heart, and feeling you’re short of air when you see him. the feeling of longing. strange, how people can feel such: an otherwise negative feeling because it makes you realize there’s something you don’t have, accompanied with a feeling of happiness because you know it exists. What’s left is to realize, make things happen so that it’s there.

Now Playing: Nothing Lasts Forever – Maroon 5

Then there is reality.

The negative is also possible, maybe this is just a fleeting  feeling, both for him and for me. Maybe I mean nothing. The fun in life is in it’s uncertainty. The pain is in there too. I can’t help but think that this is going to be just another “what a shame”. I’ve had feelings for other guys before, and I must say, the tugging happy feeling is the same. And now where are they? In a treasure chest of past loves, of wrong loves. But I learned, of the many times it’s happened, that I get over it. is this going to be just another one buried in my treasure chest of lost loves? I have no idea.

I do know that I miss being happy. I realize now how much I’m missing: my reason to get up in the morning and go to work, and work hard to earn a lot, to have time to enjoy life with someone who means a lot to me.

My heart feels so heavy, it’s full of love that i can’t give right now. Human beings are complex animals. i am loving so much that it hurts. I’m right now wishing that if nothing is going to come out of this, I wish it just vanishes now, so it will be faster for me to get over it. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I wish I could just go, fly off to where he is. Figure out the rest later. But with everything comes responsibility.

being in love is painful. But I guess, if all goes well, it will be fulfilling. I know if anything does come between us, I’ll be looking back at this day and realizing how lucky I am to have my dreams fulfilled.