Are you my Mr. E?

and i felt bad.

So today, I was wondering why I didn’t hear from him ever since I got to work. I kept pinging him (not excessively, maybe 3 times throughout the whole day because i didn’t want to become annoying) and i didn’t get a response. And i was vowing to myself not to make myself as available to him as I have been. I did silly things like appear offline (but i had my mobile messenger on just so there was a way for him to ping me if he really did want to) I kept checking my phone, nothing. I couldn’t help but feel angry when i checked and saw his status was online but he didn’t even bother messaging me.

then he logged out. I was totally pissed.

then he logged back in to the computer he uses just when he’s about to go to bed. Despite the vows to myself not to initiate contact with him, “Ping”, went my IM to him. and surprisingly, he replies, and asks if i was there. Then he told me that he had a really bad day. That’s when all my resolve melted, and i started feeling guilty for thinking all those angry thoughts.

We talked about it and i felt even more guilty, when i found out it was making him feel better that he was able to talk to me about all this.

My full attention was to him but about .001% of me was kicking myself for thinking that all men are the same, they only pay attention to you when it is convenient. Which seems true for him, but he was undergoing a crisis. And i can’t expect him to think about me 100% of his time. He has a life to live and that’s something i have to live with, because so do i.

I realize, i should be less sensitive about these things and I shouldn’t take all this ignoring personally. The world does not revolve around me. Not everyone false crazy in love. I think it’s because of all these movies that give a message of how when two people like each other, they can’t eat, can’t sleep without having the other person on his mind (or maybe the movie just skips the boring part where they don’t think about each other because  they have to keep to the 2 hours)

Anyway, i felt good that he confided his problems with me. I feel special. Even though, officially there is nothing between us. Maybe we will end up just being best friends. I guess that wouldn’t be bad, as long as we stay that way. I remember one guy, whom i was interested in. But eventually we became each other’s confdant. Best friends as they would call it. But the moment he got a girlfriend, i haven’t heard from him as much. Which i understand. He too has a life to live. I appreciate that he told me he was going to propose to her soon though. At least he still remembers.

Maybe that is how this thing I have with mr. experience will end up? there is a high possibility. So i will have to force myself not to fall in love. Even if i already have.

i got to see him today, the whole day, online. It was nice to be able to peer through his world. It made me feel like he was right there, by my bed, going about with his day.

I am starting to think i am in love, but i’m scared. I’ve beern through so many whom i thought was the oe and I guess now Ive lost faith. I want to spend real time with him. I want to be able to touch him, and feel him, and be there, with him.

It will be soon. I’m planning a trip to see him and be with him for a week. It’s not going to be enough time but it will be time. I just want t obe able to see for myself whether this is just a feeling that is there because of the mystery and the longing of us not being together. I still don’t know where i stand in his life. He tells me , in his own way, that he misses me, but then again, I might be only trying to fool myself.

See that’s what I mean. I’ve become a skeptic of the way people are feeling. I know that most of the time, things are too good to be true. I know that I will be better off expecting the worse because i know i’d rather not be disappointed. I want it to be real though. but then there maybe many of them like him out there. There may be someone better. But I don’t want to  wait, and i know, someone who is available and makes me feel this way is hard to come by, judging from my history. The only thing that makes this (hopefully soon to be) relationship a bit of an impossibility is the fact that he is many many miles away.

I certainly hope things will fall into place. I don’t think i can find anyone like him. I know he cares for me., that he worries me. but is it all just because it’s there? I don’t know. I want to find out soon. i want to know where i stand, but i don’t want to scare him awtay.

And i’m also scared that this is all just a lie. I’ve been lied to many times before and i’m just scared. Very scared. I think my heart is flying waaaay up there right now. If he lets me fall, i thin i will not be able to take it anymore.

How can I be so head over heels over a man that I never see? Who lives on the opposite side of the world? Who might not even care for my existence beyond that of the screen? The heart is a strange thing to follow.The mind is a testament of this. It tries to control, but it knows that it can’t.