Are you my Mr. E?

I’m writing you this letter on my blog because i know i would never get around to sending this to you. I wanted to let you know how much I love you but I know that I could never entertain the feeling, nor can I ever enjoy yours because your heart is already spoken for. I wish things were different. I keep wondering what could have happened if things were different. Maybe, if I had finished studying when I was supposed to, maybe I could have gotten out of the country sooner. maybe iI could have met you sooner, way before your heart was taken. I know it’s useless to dwell on things that can never be, but what have I to lose? I have had my heart broken so many times before and it doesn’t hurt for me to imagine myself living a better life with you. I know I would have been happy. We have known each other for a year now and I’ve seen how real you are to me, and how real I can be when I talk to you. I know I have nothing to hide when I talk with you. I know you wouldn’t judge me. I guess I haven’t considered whether you feel the same for me. But why bother, when things can’t be the way I want them to be anyway. I am free to imagine that it is. In my imagination, you love me as much as you seem capable to, as much as I do you. It’s a shame that things couldn’t be the way I would have them. I wish I could change things. I wish i had an alternate life. But I cant, and I don’t. I will have to live with this, knowing that someone like you is out there. Maybe, as they say, these things happen for a reason. Maybe my reason is for me to realize that such guys exist, and to persist at finding the one who will make me happy. I love you, but I will never be able to tell you how much, I will never be able to show you how much. I wish things were different. I really wish things were different. But they aren’t. So here’s another dead end.

I’m happy we are friends though. I’m happy that i get to talk to you everyday. I’m happy i have you to talk about all but one of my boy troubles. That one being the one where I have been hit the most.

I wish things were different, but they aren’t. I wish I could change things, but i can’t. So here’s to my dreams taht you fill, and here’s to the love that never will be.

I was feeling kind of down last weekend when i hadn’t heard from Mr. Experience for 2 days and Mr. Geek was nowhere in sight to keep me distracted. I went to a bookstore and purchased 4 more novels to keep me busy, even though i was still in the process of reading one. The book was titled “the game” by neil strauss.  I finished reading that book today and am now reading a book which i only bought because the lead characters’ names were mine and mr. experience’s. Eventually during the week thuogh, he did come online and initiated a chat with me. I had turned off all alerts so i wouldn’t get distracted when either he or mr. geek came online. I had always jumped at pinging them when I saw their names come up the toast. But i had resolved not to initiate with the two guys anymore because that weekend, I had felt they had neglected me and I realized iit was time for me to stop being silly. Turned out, Mr. Geek was just being busy with work. The same with Mr. Experience. But when thoughout the week, he’s been sweeter than usual. I guess I am starting to grow on him. When we talk on the phone, he tells me he misses me. I used to initiate the mushy talk before but now, he is. I keep thinking to myself, I might be hallucinating and he’s probably just saying these things just to keep me on the hook. Reading “the game” wasn’t of any help either. The book talked about the routines that men pulled to get a woman and keep them. I have become even more wary of these tricks that i ever have been from just the scornful experiences i’ve had in the past. I have realized I’ve forgotten how to tell a man how i feel. I remember a few weeks ago wishing mr. experience would let me know about how he feels about me a bit more. But now that he is, I don’t know how to react. I’ve forgotten how to. I remember there was a time when i was really sweet. Maybe a bit over the top at times but still, I have to admit, I always made an effort to be sweet to a guy that i liked. I guess because that often left me in trouble with these guys, I havd stopped being and abandoned it completely. I don’t know what I have with mr. experience, but I’d hate to see it turn out the same way as all my previous love interests. I have been hurt too much already and I guess I’m scared to let my guard down.  but i miss mr. Experience. I wish I was back to the day when i flew in. The day he and his mom and brother picked me up at the airport. Although I was a bit dazed, I still remember clearly how it all went. It was a long flight out and the whole time, I was filled with apprehension about the trip ahead. Then I remember seeing te most beautiful thing in my entire life. I had never been on a plane ride that had me up in the air at the break of dawn, so it was the first time i got to enjoy the sunrise, without the obstruction of mountains or bcy -uildings.It was a majestic view. and all i could do was bask in it and think of how glorious the world was. that sight was definitely representative of what my trip was going to be like. I can’t remember the whole trip in detail, but there are fragments of it that i remember clearly. It was a secret trip. I hadn’t told anyone, not even my family about it so it was a bit difficult for me and becuse i couldn’t talk about it, the memories have slipped away. let me try to recount them and write them down here so i don’t forget.

Arrival
it was my first trip to the U.S. and as the plane was landing, paranoia hit me. What if customs wouldn’t let me in, I’d be deported and I’d have to fly all the way back in another gruelling 17 hour flight (at least).  Although it was my first long flight, i wasn’t looking forward to another one so soon. It was friday the 13th when I left my homeand there I was again, on the morning of friday the 13th, a bit past 9am walking out of the plane. My plane had arrived earlier than expected so when i txted mr. experienc, he was just on the way out of his house. He also mentioned that his mom and brother had decided to come along which is why they were late. he also said he was excited to see me. Durin my layover in Japan, I had txt him and told him I was looking forward to finally seeing him again.  As I was walking my way to customs, all my memories that led up to this day ran through my mind. I couldn’t believe it, I was in the United States of Americ in sSan Francisco, a place I had only read about in books or watched in movies. Customs. Before I flew in, I had heard all the horror stories about customs in America. The long lines, the possiblity of being interviewedwhen you get there and held for 3 hours (it happened to one of my colleagues)theer was barely a line when i got there though. I looked around and saw about 20 people sperad across different counters. Then again, I guess I wasn’t in the most glamorous of flights. When I got to the counter, the attendant, who sounded authentically chinese bagan to do the what seemed to be standarddrillof questions as if she had memorized a script. “How long are you staying”, “are you here for business or vacation” “do you have 10,000 dollars with you?” It was that question that woke me up for some reason. At that moment I panicked. Was I supposed to?  I remember the number triggered an alarm in my head but i guess at that time I was too groggy from the lack of sleep to realize that the reason the number was ringing was that I remembered reading that if you carried 10k or more, you’d have to have some financil document or something . I didn’t bother to find out the details of that part because I knew there was no way in hell I was ever going to be bringing that much cash around with me anyway. “Uh, no I don’t ” She proceeded to ask more of her standard questions. “Do you have 10,000 dollars?” It was like she was asking me if i had change or something. “Uh, no, am I supposed to?” she proceeded with more of her standardquestions. “Do you have 10,000 dollars?” At this point, it was getting ridiculous. “I sure wish I did?” I laughed. “Now?” she persisted. I said, “No.” “Now?” I realized she was asking “No?” in her chinese accent. “No, I don’t.” I confirmed. I decided to cut back on the wise cracks as I might end up getting myself into trouble for trying to be funny. Finally she let me through. I felt liberated. I wa free to roam the US of A. I breathed in as I walked looking for the baggage counter. Mr. Experience txted that they were going to be a bit late and that I would probably need to hang out a bit . He apologized because he didn’t think i’d be coming in so early, and be through with customs so quick. I got my bag and strolled it out to the arrival area of the airport where I found a coffee shop. Coffee. I needed something to wake me up. It had been 22 hours since I woke from my nap and frantically started packing my stuff for the trip and rushing to the airport. I needed to wake up. I ordered a latte, my usual drink and sat myself down. Suddenly, a guy walks up to my table and asks, “Are you Jane?” I blinked, and managed to say “Uh, no.” “Oh okay, i’m sorry,” he said as he started looking around before walking to the line at the coffee shop.  In my head, I thought, this guy probably met some girl over the internet and had her agree to meeting up here. I thought it was amusing till i remembered, that was sort of exactly what i was doing, meeting up with my internet boyfriend.  Ever since I hung out with Mr. Experience back in february, we hadn’t stopped talking over IM since. And occassionally, I’d give him a call to chitchat. Eventually, he’d convinced me to get a visa and visit with him. Originally I had planned to visit on the week of the 4th of July but things had been going so crazy at work that I reworked the schedule to bemuch earlier. Also, he had to go to santa Clara for his brother’s graduation and suggested that it would be cool if i could visit that week so i’d get to go to 2 different places rather than just go to seattel. I was able to massage my schedule at work and next thing i knew, the trip was on. But all of a sudden, I was meeting his family alredy.

After a few minutes of sipping my coffee, I realizedhe mentioned his mom and brother came along to pick me up. I started on my panic fit again. What if she hates me? What if she has something against my race? what could she be thinking of a girl flying all the way there to see her son? does she think any less of me? I started txting him and told him i didn’t know how I should act. A few minutes ago I was contemplating on how i should act around Mr. Experience. This would have been the first time i’d seen him since his visit 5 months back and even then, even though we’d slept together the etnire week he was here, we had just met and it was a bit awkward for me to open up with him when we were not in bed. Sure, we had been IM-ing and talking on the phone since, but talking in person, I had envisioned, would be much different. But, because his mom and brother came along, he had successfully removed that worry i had of being awkward with him, because now i was worrying about his mom and brother. What am i doing? Why did I come here? this is stupid. This is the most stupid thing i’ve ever done. I’m going to make a fool of myself.   He told me not to worry and assured me that his mom was cool. and i’d be fine. I told him to give me a 10 minute warning when they were about to arrive so i could have time to compose myself. I started drinking my coffee andd distracting myself with my laptop. then I got an SMS that told me to go outside and tell him what gate number I was at so he could come and meet me. SHIT. It’stime. I clumsily  packed up my laptop which I had been fiddling around with to keep my mind off the moments ahead. As I stood, I spotted him right when he entered the airport, he had the cutest smile, one I don’t remember seeing when he was back visiting. Technically, it was the first time we were alone (not with friends) outside of an I-want-to-sleep-with-you mood. He had the cutest smile. I didn’t think he’d recognize me but he did and when I walked up to him, he gave me a tight hug and i hugged him back. I remembered thinking about this mometn back on the plane. Should I hug him? Should I kiss him like they do in the movies?  I guess hug was the right answer. It felt awkward, but it felt good. When he eventually let go of me, he took my bag and led me outside.  “This is all you brought?” I told him how i had only packed this morning and how I’d ended up forgetting quite a number of things and that i didn’t really want to remmber what else I had forgotten. I figured it wouldn’t really matter. I had no other things in mind than be with him.  He led me to where his mom and brother were waiting and his brother helped me load my thingns into the trunk. Did some intros and piled into their car, to drive back to their home. His mom was full of chatter and i realized he was right, his mom WAS cool. She even brought me something to eat, which i gobbled up without hesitatioin. I didn’t realize how hungry i was. It felt like forever since i had last eaten, although they did serve food on the plane. She told me I didn’t have to eat it, but she thought  i might be hungry. She was so sweet. I rememeber his brother asking us “How did you two meet again?” In my mind, oh we got right on it for a week that he was visiting. “From work. We did a  workshop over there for a week back in february” I’m guessing that still didn’t explain the fact why I had flown all the way to the US to visit. If i were in his place I’d be puzzled as well. “It’s her first time to come to america. ” “Oh really? then you should definitely go around” his mom told me. Along the driev they started telling me about the places we passed by. I felt guilty because i felt I had made them obligatory tourguides. But his mom was very generous in telling me about all the places around. She’s definitely someone who was easy to get along with. I was half attentively carrying the conversation. Half my attention was looking outside, amazed at the view we passed. I caught Mr. experience looking at me with an amused look on his face. I probably looked like someone who just came out of a cave appreciating the world for the first time. Truth was, it reminded me so much of home, but in a bigger scale. The streets were wider, the sky was cleaner. But the look and feel of things was pretty much the same, for the drive at least.  When I got to the area they lived, It looked like something out of a movie.  I think it was what they would call the suburban area, with quaint houses all around the neighborhood. I was in awe. I still couldn’t shake off the I’m-IN-tv feeling.  There is so much of the world  i have yet to see.  We arrived at their house and dropped off my stuff. On the way, Mr. Experience and his brother decided that we go and catch some of his friends and go to the beach to look around for the afternoon. When I stepped out of the car, I felt the cool air hit me. So this is why I see people all covered up despite the sun shining bright in the movies. It felt like heaven! We dropped off the stuff inside their very nice home, and his mom handed him a jacket for me to take to the beach. I still couldn’t reconcile the idea of wearing a jacket to the beach. But we said goodbye, got into the car and drove off to explore america, at least this little part of it.

I was browsing through my facebook and saw an update to Mr. Geek. He was tagged in one of his friends’ albums, he and his wife. That’s when it became real to me. He was married. They looked happy. She looked happy. I think I can imagine him happier though. I know, it’s selfish of me to think so. How could I think that I could be a better wife for him. I guess the fact that he’s kind of fooling around with me doesn’t help me believe he’s happy with their relationship. He will be visiting soon. I will make a point to grill him about his relationships. He practically knows all my stories but I don’t know a thing about his. Not that it’s any of my business though. But I want to know that he’s at least happy. He’s become much more than an infatuation for me. Sure i still am attracted to him, but I’ve come to grips with the reality that we can oly be friends. Except if, for some twist of fate, he would end up having a divorce. But then again, I realize that’s a selfish wish, lthough I have to admit, I do secretly hope that happens every now and then. Then I scold myself for thinking such a bad thought. I don’t want to wish misfortune on other people because I know the very same thing could happen to me. For all I know this girl is devoted to him and loves him with all his life, probably more than anyone could ever love a person. And maybe he just needs to realize that and then he too would be happy. I want him to be happy with what he has, he deserves it. And I want to help out. I want him to open up to me about his life and maybe i can say something to help him realize how lucky he is to have a woman love him so much. I certainly would appreciate a gesture like that for my would be husband. I know that a woman is capable of loving with so much passion, probably more than a man would ever be capable of. I think it’s an inherent quality of the female species, given that it is expected of her to love not just her husband but their children as well. Because I love Mr. Geek, I want him to be happy. I want to find out if the person he is with loves him. Actually, I want to be assured of that. I would hate to see him waste his life away to a marriage where they both are not happy. I wish at least for the woman to love him very much. He could always learn to love her in return. But if she doesn’t love him, then I’d be sad. I can see that he’s not exactly head over heels over her. If he was, he wouldn’t be spending every night talking to me. If she doesn’t love him as much as i would like to believe she does, then it would be such a waste. This guy is amazing. He definitely knows how to treat a woman. He definitely knows how to please her. That much I have gathered from our occassional steamy conversations when he’s alone in a hotel room in one of his business trips. I still find it a shame that he’s already married. I’m still very much into Mr. Experience, but honestly, if Mr. Geek were single, i’d choose him over Mr. Experience hands down. Maybe because I’ve gotten to know Mr. Geek longer than i have, Mr. Experience.  Again, I still find it a damn shame that he’s not on the market anymore. Still, that doesn’t stop me from fantasizing about him. I love how he talks to me. I love how casual our conversations are, and how he never fails to make me feel better. He knows how to appreciate women. So i was telling you he was visiting soon and we were kind of making plans of what to do. He said he would take me shopping and then take me to a nice dinner. If we really do get down to doing that, it will be my first experience of having a man treat me like a woman. No one would have ever done that for me in my life. To me, those things are things men in the books written by women do for women. I mean, sure, his intention was to get me wearing a sexy dress for him to probably ogle at, but the point is, i think he’s doing it more for me than for himself. He gets that a woman wants to feel desired, and that a man would actually pay to see it. Sure it sounds like something you would say about prostitution. But this is classier i think, it definitely boosts my self-confidence. Even if that doesn’t ever happen, he’s already built the fantasy in my mind that he has the intention to do that for me and that makes me feel good about myself.

i don’t know if there’s going to be any catch to this rendezvous. He definitely is making it sound like there is some intention of sex, but for some reason, I don’t feel cheap. I have definitely fallen for Mr. Geek. I’m supposed to be scared that something would happen when he visits. The last thing i want is to have the friendship that we built destroyed just because of a jump on lust. But somehow, I trust he wouldn’t do anything like that. Although, something does, I don’t seem to be worried. Have I lost my morals? maybe. One thing is for sure, I want to spend some time with him. Being specific about just good clean fun, I don’t know. I have a strong feeling that we’re at least going to kiss.

I have no idea why i’m still pursuing this relationship with him when clearly there is no chance that this was going anywhere. I guess I can have a talk with him when he is here. Part of me just wants to get the sex part over with so he can be like everyother man, take what he wants, and life can move on for us both. I guess the curiosity is killing me. I will burn for this. I have a feeling I wll seriously burn for this. With whom? The other man i’m desperately in love with, Mr. Experience.

1.) Girl meets guy (vice versa)
2.) they hit it off pretty well
3.) girl goes out of her way to make sure everything is positive
4.) they’re okay for quite some time
5.) girl cant always supply opportunities of happiness
6.) expects guy to make some effort
7.) gets disappointed because it’s not what he signed up for (in fact he never signed up for anything
8.) girl writes him a long letter professing her love and devotion
9.) guy doesn’t know how to react because he’s never made any advances, nor does he want to hurt the nice girl’s feelings
10.) Girl doesn’t see any reaction / the reaction she wants and is devastated at how unlucky in love she is.

I think i should stop making myself available…

Was reading one of my previous posts (http://mizzunderstood.wordpress.com/2006/01/04/i-dont-want-to-wait-in-vain/ ) and it seemed like i could cut and paste this entry right now and tag it with the new guy. The bad thing was, he never told me what happened, I never knew what I did wrong. And the same thing seems to be happening all over again. I am tempted to send a mail to Mr. Perfect and ask him what exactly i did wrong, but i’m not one for opening up old wounds either.

I’m considering writing him an email that i would be consciously making an effort to get over him. I think he doesn’t not like me, but i have no reason to think he DOES like me either. All our encounters have been out of his convenience and I guess I haven’t really seen a major effort to contribute on things developing between us. I’ve wrote him some mails before and I think they went on ignored. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Guys will say anything to get laid. And once they get what they want, they can’t be bothered. I think I should just stop fooling myself. There is a lot more to life for me I think. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy but I guess, at this point, nothing can be done about our situation right now, and I’m starting to think that it would just be better to go on our separtate lives. At least for now. We could always just hook up another time in the future if we really wanted to. i no longer want to put him in a position where he clearly doesn’t want to be. i’ll be drafting up my letter to him.  wont be keeping in touch with him. and then i’ll be sending the letter, by next week. It’s time to move on.

i know it’s going to be hard. I think i’ve invested quite a lot already with him. But i guess i have no choice.

how some people can just forget the suffering they made you go through.. and how some people don’t even notice. I’v been screwed over by so many people that I’ve stopped counting. But it still amuses me how many years after, they find a reason to come back to me and ask for a few favors, as if nothing ever happened.

I was never one for conflict. I always did what i could to avoid it, and to never look back. When they’re okay, I’m okay. I just find it funny that some people aren’t even ashamed of themseves.

maybe i sholud just give up for now. there is no use tormenting myself that something is going to come out of this soon. maybe i should just let this go, and let us go our separate ways. if something was meant to be, then it will. i am probably just infatuated, just like the rest of the times. i keep telling myself he has his dreams to fulfill right now and i am certainly not part of it. maybe i should stop entertaining the thought of him letting me into it even just a little bit. the sooner i get it into my system, the easier it will be for me. I should go back to concentrating on my career. i don’t know what to  do, i don’t know where i am heading and all the confusion is because i want to make myself available for anything. but i guess that’s always how i have been living my life. maybe that is my problem. I found out today that he’s capable of going out of his way if he wants to. and the fact that he hasn’t really done anything of the sort for me yet, is i think supposed to tell me something. as dreamy as everythnig seems, all of it can be shrugged off as borne out of convenience. I think i should take more pride in myself. i think i should value myself more. having someone who would go out of his way for me would be worth the wait. i think.