Are you my Mr. E?

It’s going to be a few more days till Mr. Experience flies off to begin his journey. I envy him and what he and his friends are about to embark on. it’s a huge risk with a huge return on experience if they make it through. I wish I had half his guts to actually dive into something that I am passionate about as he has. It was only a few months ago that he has been cluing me in about this little venture of theirs and now it’s finally happening. I’m happy for them that they’re actually taking off soon. At the same time, I think i will be missing Mr. Experience. I don’t think he’ll have as much time on his hands to talk with me as much as we do now. It’s most likely going to be a one way communication. I am sensing that the only way i will be hearing from him will be through their shows. I am not entirely sure what that’s going to be like but we’ll see.

Then again, why am i expecting anything? I don’t even know what I mean to him yet. You think i should have that little chat with him to ask him where I stand? Because until now, i am still clueless. I like him a lot. And I think i can wait for him if he is at all interested in me. By far, he’s been the greatest guy I’ve known. That or maybe I have been fated to meet the scum of the universe through the course of my life. I’ve known him for some time now. Well, i guess it hasn’t been that long. We met last year but that was one time and we only spoke again february this year. I can’t say I have been loyal to him because I have been seeing other people through the course of the past months but then, I still maintain my relationship with him. We talk almost every day. If it were not for the internet, he would probably have forgotten about me by now. But i feel like I’ve known him for so long, just because I’ve been talking to him online for the past 7 months. Maybe that’s not enough to know a person, but maybe it is. I went to visit him last June and even got to meet his family and some of his friends. I just want to know where i stand in his life. So I know what to expect in the coming months. I really like him. I really do. But he has his work to do so aI can’t really make demands but there’s no harm in wishing. I miss him. I miss the experience.

He told me that the last time he was “in the market” was ten years ago. I wish I could go back to that “era” and tell myself to shoot him a mail. I was already the geek i am back then, I’m sure I can say something intelligent to attract his attention. I don’t know why i have become so taken with him. I knew from the start that nothing was ever going to come of this but why did i press on. Why did i even feed to the delusion that things were not as they seemed. Wishful thinking always gets people in trouble. Look where I am now. It has definitely been a pleasure knowing Mr. Geek. He amuses me in all ways possible. I wish there was a way that I could change reality. I guess it’s true that there will never exist a perfect man. In Mr. Geek’s case, the thing that’s making him imperfect is the fact that he’s already married.

I appreciate his honesty, and I appreciate how he didn’t just drop me when he got what he wanted.  At the same time, my heart is tearing itself apart from all the emotions all that has happened is causing. I’m not sure if he realizes but, whatever amount of infatuation there was before we saw each other has just now tripled. I think I love him. He would have been the type of person I would propose to even if I was the girl, if only he weren’t married. 

I wonder if he is happy. He deserves to be happy. But he doesn’t seem to act like he’s happy. Well, maybe happy is not the word. I think i mean “content”. I want him to be happy. I want him to be content. He deserves to be. Not that I’m saying  that it takes me to make him so but I want him to BE. 

I love him. There I said it. I don’t know how much I mean it but right now, it sure feels like a hell of a lot of love. I’ve heard a lot of stories like this. About how some people find the love of their lives but they just have to let them go because certain circumstances won’t permit. Now I know how it feels. I wish i could turn back time.

I want to kick myself. I had a very good friend and now, al i have is disappointment. And it’s not his fault. Why did I have to entertain this. Why did I have to ruin this. I feel terrible. I feel like shit. I feel the lowest I could possibly feel.

I feel sick. sick of myself. sick of what i’m doing to myself. sick of being alone.

I don’t know what it is about this place but it seems that everyone here just wants to get it on. The worst part is, this everyone i am talking about are the married folk. I hate it. I am starting to hate being a girl. I hate being called “babe” by people who’ve only met me a few days. I hate it. It’s just derogatory. just because I haven’t exactly lived a straight up life that would command respect from those who would find out my true story, doesn’t give anyone the right to talk down to me like that. Yes, I think calling a woman “babe’ is talking down on her. Some may find it flattering but I see it as an outright insult. But because these people are foreign to my race, I don’t know what their culture is like. They might just be being friendly if that’s how they are friendly in their culture, I don’t ever want to have anything to do with that culture. I will probably go inane. Sometimes, I start hating being a girl. I hate it. I hate the fact that whenever I am successful at anything, it more often than not is attributed to my looks or my gender. I hate the fact that although my presence is acknowledged in among a male dominated group, I am always regarded as a play thing. Sure I laugh with them at their jokes of having me prance around in a miniskirt and skanky top. But I am doing all that is in my power to control my rage. I’m not sure how much longer I can bear this though. But then again, maybe i will get used to it. But judging by the way my reaction to “babe” is still not changing, I doubt that them having to think of me as free skank is going t obe a bit more hard to swallow. 

Also, I think I am harbring some feelings of hate for another prson. I have been keeping it silent for a long time because I didn’t want to make a fuss out of it and i didn’t want to let anyone know that I am affected by it. But it seems that everytime i pass him by the corridor or walk past his desk, I imaging drawing a revolver to his head and blowing his brains out. I have never been played so sickly in my life before. He made me break my principles, the only thing I had , and then he drops me after buying me a round of drinks. I seriously want to strangle the guy. BThis rage that I feel is too heavy, and I am seeing its effects recently. When a guy suddenly stops correspondence, i am reminded with my incident with this man and I think i am being drivven to the border of being insane. In my mind I am taking medication for this and it seems to be working.. I can probably put him don and ruin his career with the story i had to tell. But I can’t bring myself to destroy a human beings hope in life. I I hated his guts for doing what he did to me, but I guess it only serves me right. I should not have been so naive. He totally took advantage of this one. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Today, I got reminded by a friend about our friend’s wedding in 5 days. I wouldn’t even have remembered if it were not for her message to me on facebook. I feel guilty as hell. Here i am ranting and raving about my own misserable life when back home, my friends are moving on with theirs and I never paid any mind. Some friend I must be. I feel guilty. Guilt doesn’t even begin to describe how rotten I feel. I remember that my motto before was always friends and family first. What had happened since then? All my troubles seemed to cascade one after another ever since i started falling head over heels over one guy. I’m beggining to have some hate towards that one guy right now. If it hadn’t been for him if he hadn’t made me so fixated with him to the point of sacrificing my own dreams and ambitions, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Now therer that was a good or bad thing, I am unable to decide. But right now, Iit seems like such a bad thing to me. Bad because i have been missing out on a lot of things that have been going on back home. Moments in my family’s and my friends’ lives that would have been a jewel for me to share with them. I am starting to hate myself for being elsewhere in the world while my friends’ and family’s lives unfolded before them. And for me to be so out of touch. I hate myself because I don’t even have a success story for them to be proud of. It would have been much better if I had something , an excuse for my absence. Something that they could at least tell stories about to explain my  not being there despite my supposed vow of friendship and kinship. But it disgraces me that i have nothing. Why? because it seems that all I have done so far has been because of my selfishness to cover up my own ass. To run away and flee. To hide from the multitude of mistakes in the past, by making even more mistakes in the present. I wonder to myself if i will ever learn. If I will ever finally stop and turn around and face all that i fear head on and start doing for myself what needs to be done. Start succeeding as my parents and friends are hoping and believing for me to do. I know it seems pompous for me to assume that my friends have that much confidence in me. Maybe I am just afraid that they are just indifferent. I guess that’s the greatest of fears that one could possibly have. To be so insignificant, to stop bearning meaning or importance in the lives of the people you grew up with. Sure you could make new friends, but none could certainly match the bonds that are formed in the state of childhood. When things of miniscule importance seemed the world, when the little tragedies of life seemed a matter of life and death. And in all that drama, you had your friends. You had people you could count on to climb into a jeepney with you and listen as you poured out your frustrations in life. I wish to have back that feeling of comfort in the presence of my friends. I wish I could travel back in time and feel that feeling again. And I wish i had made smart decisions instead of hasty ones. Maybe I wouldn’t be as lost as i am now. I feel empty. I feel scarre by my own doing. I have thrown my life away these past few years. I want to make a conscious decision to stop. I want to change for the better but I don’t know how. All this time, I have been living a life which i thought was approved by others. As long as others thought it satisfactory, It was good enough for me. Life is so much more complicated than I realized. There is much more to it than it lets on at the start. What to do…

I’ve always wondered whether there was such a thing as a love of one’s life. In my case, I’m looking for my Mr. E. But, finding my Mr. E isn’t the same as having my Mr. E. I could find him, but realize that there are circumstances that prevent us from being together.  Love after all is unconditional. I can choose to love someone, even if he doesn’t love me in return. I think I have found my match. But this time, because there is no way for me to do anything about it, I will never find out whether I am wrong or right. I see him as the perfect man, and he isn’t even trying to put his best foot forward. As a man, he seems to have no flaw. Which I guess is dangerous, but still, he seems like one that I could love for the rest of my life. I only wish there are others like him. I have never met anyone who matches him in terms of how much he meets my standards. But, now that I know that such a guy exists, I will raise the bar on my guy tolerance meter. I know i shouldn’t settle for less. I hope I find someone who will make me happy for the rest of my life.