Are you my Mr. E?

after my last post, I saw mr. grant again. We had dinner and chatted and yes, I ended up staying over. He’s a nice guy.. funny and interesting. But he’s probably not the type of guy that I would probably enjoy simply because I don’t know anything that I have that can be amusing to him. He can probably make me happy but I don’t think I can do the same thing for him. I’m not that interesting a person and well, there are a lot more women here that would probably suit him. He seems like the classy type. A classy woman would fit nicely with him. For some reason, I guess it is interesting to have someone to look forward to seeing everyday but to be honest, I think in the long run, I’d probably get sick of him and he, much more sooner, of me. 

Mr. experience is different. I probably think of him every single moment of the day. He’s wonderful. He has dreams and ambitions that he’s not afraid to follow. He has ideals that he seems not to want to compromise. He was definitely brought up well because his parents are just awesome. They remind me much of my own when I look at them. He’s begun pursuing his dreams and I’m just hoping the best for him. It’s funny though. I thought that being in almost the same timezone would make it easier for us to talk and stay in touch but I guess I was wrong. Since most of his work involves not being in front of a computer all the time, I barely get to catch him online these days. It’s making me miss him a whole lot. I guess the cool thing is everytime I do catch him online, I’m always really excited to talk. I wonder if I’ll ever get fed up of this arrangement. I really hope that if he settles down though, he’d give us a chance to see what we have going here. I love him so much but I don’t want to tell him because I don’t want to scare him away. I know if i do, he’ll probably back offf because i know he cares enough about me to not want to hurt me. He’ll probably just make it easier for me to forget my feelings about him since it’ll be a while till he’s settling down. I just wish, that someday we could actually be together. 

I hope when I’m reading back on this, I’d be smiling to myself and telling myself that I knew all along.

mr. experience is now in his new country, starting out his new life. We were supposed to talk before he left but his time didn’t allow it. He said that we could talk the when he got to vietnam, though that didn’t happen either. I guess this is the way it is going to be for the next few years.

Last night, I was at a party and the new guy was obviously into me. He seems like a decent guy too. I’ve had a crush on him since the first day he was toured around teh office as the new guy. He’s brit and I am a complete sucker for accents. Because I am still tired and sleepy– wait a minute, I’ll call him Mr. Grant, as in Mr. Hugh Grant. For some reason he reminds me a lot of him (you think it’s the accent?) Anyway, this guy is handsome. Not cute, but handsome. So handsome that there is not a moment that I see him in a social setting when girls aren’t fawning over him, dancing up on him, and last night was no exception.

We were in the same group that went to the after party. By the time we got there, everyone was already a bit high. And they weren’t that err.. shy about coming up to the Mr. Grant. Even the club dancers were up on him. amazing. British guys are lucky beasts i think. I seriously believe that it is the accent that gives them the edge.

Maybe it was because I was the only one who hasn’t been paying him much mind the whole time, we started chatting and he started asking me why i didn’t have a boyfriend. I told him i wasn’t looking. He told me i have no idea how attractive I am. That’s when I realized I’m not very good flattery.

So the night went on. As we got more and more intoxicated, he was talking closer and closer and holding me at the same time. And telling me that my hair smelled nice. He said that twice (is that a line?).

I had to excuse myself to go to the ladies room, then on my way back he was there and he asked me to wait for him. He went to the men’s room and when he got back, he suggested we go out. Next thing i knew, we were in a cab, kissing. (no it wasn’t alcoholic amnesia, i just cut to the chase). Of course, the rest is history. Two times: last night, and this morning.

What do i make of it? I don’t know. I don’t know how a guy’s mind works. What I think? I’m just another one of the weekend girls. I failed at that putting a price tag on myself test again. Sigh.

I guess you’re wondering wheter i feel guilty with Mr. Experience and all. The answer is yes. though he did say he would want me to find someone here, just not tell him about it. Now I’m realizing how dangerous that arrangement is. All I need is a decent guy really. I can choose to get along with someone.

why can’t life just be un complicated…

He SMS’d me the next day. I called him up and at first, we were talking like we always do. Then he told me that he got my email. Long story short, we got to talk a bit about it, and he told me that he would like to continue on with whatever it is that we had. He said that he liked talking with me and it’s not just because it was convenient. Sure, any guy can say that but then if I were to doubt everything a guy says then how do i expect to be happy. At least he was okay to admit it. He wants us to keep talking but he doesn’t want me to hold back on any opportunity for happiness that i might come across. But he also said that he’d probably rather not hear about it. I told him the opposite, that if ever he did find someone, I’d want to hear all about it. 

I guess I have experienced so much shit already that I figure, what’s one more time? But no, I really want him to be happy. He’s a great guy and he’s been nothing but open and honest about everything. I make my decision about people straight of the bat and I think I’ve made my decision about him already. I like him a lot and if ever we could get an opportunity to spend more time together and find out more about each other then I would gladly take it. I’ve had enough experiences with guys to conclude so I think. For him though, because he is embarking on his secret project, which involves him flying around to different places for sporadic periods of time, I want him to enjoy himself. I want him to experience and meet a lot of people. At the end of it, if he still chooses to try things out with me, then it would be much more fulfilling and flattering because I know he’s gotten a lot to compare me to. I also want to see him happy. He’s a guy that deserves to be. I think I know that I definitely don’t deserve him, after everything I’ve put myself through. If he chooses me then I will be grateful, but I will not expect it. It would make me happy if he can find a great woman to be his companion. Which is probably why I want to find out about everything so that I can be sure that he does. Well, not be sure per se, not to sound obssessed and as if I could dictate that abut him but I want to witness it for myself. I am happy when my friends are happy. Of course, I’m not denying that I could be happier if he were with me but I’ve accepted that that’s not something I can demand. I really hope the best for him, because he’s a great man. 

As for me, while he is away, I will try to make myself a better person, deserving of him. 

Good luck with your project and I wish you success and great experiences!

spare yourself the pain, there isn’t going to be a reply.

wtf did i just do…

I’ve been trying to do this for some time now and today I just did it to get it over with. Mr. Geek has been trying to get me to ask Mr. Experience what the deal was. He knows how much in limbo I am with him, and I guess he doesn’t want to see me “suffering” as I am. I’ve always wanted to ask him, but I have always been afraid that I would scare him off.

I remember the first time I wrote him a mushy sort of email. I kind of didn’t hear from him for a while after that. I had to write another email to sort of retract what damage I had done, and had constantly reminded myself not to be as slushy mushy as I had been. I had to teach myself to hold off any emotion-filled statement I ever planned to say. I remember I had always been the super mushy type.. the type that would probably make even myself puke if i were not in the moment. If I were to describe myself looking at myself at a third person point of view, I would say I was the clingy type. That characteristic might have possibly scared off some of the better guys, and fueled some of the players in my life. That is probably why I tend to be more cautious about what I let on. I tend to be afraid of making any sort of endearment with Mr. Experience, though I have to admit, I become careless sometimes and sometimes, it just ends up all wrong. I have forgotten how to handle my emotions, much less how to convey them without seeming like a total wreck.

Why can’t we all just be honest about how we really feel? Whate ever happened to “The truth will set you free”? It seems like every one has to hide in some form of bullshit. It seems to be the way of civilization nowadays. Well, I for one am tired of hiding and being hidden from. If they can’t take it then too bad. I refuse to lie to myself anymore.

*sigh* if only i had as much guts as i seem to have when I have the keyboard at my fingertips and nothing but an LCD screen before me. All my resolve seems to vanish when I start feeling even the slightest hint of human presence before me.

I’m a nice person, really. But maybe i am too nice that it is intoxicating. I guess I have to learn how to put a bit of a price tag to my niceness so that people don’t take me for granted. God knows how many times that has happened before, even to the best of men. And I hate how I end up hating them but I can’t help think that it was my fault to begin with. Maybe if I had just made it a little bit harder for them to have what they want, maybe they will respect me a little more? maybe they would pay more mind to me? maybe they would treat me just a tad bit better. But no, I had to be little miss your-wish-is-my-command-i-am-at-your-beck-and-call. I guess I’m the type of person that doesn’t want to cause any trouble for anyone.

So I wrote him an email today, asking where i stand. I don’t know whether that was a good idea or not. Already I am starting to regret it. I don’t want to check my email because I know I will only be disappointed. He just came online too, but I’m hiding myself “appearing offline” and I think i will keep doing so till I receive a reply from him on mail. But if I’m afraid to check mail, I guess that will never happen huh? I guess I should prepare for that anyway. If he chooses not to reply, then obviously he is trying to tell me something and I guess he just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I guess I will let him weasel out that way too to avoid the embarassment on both of us. Maybe I could just vanish from him entirely. I don’t want to have to deal with it. It’ll hurt my pride too much, more over, it will break my heart I think. I had just recently gotten my heart broken when I found out that the infallible Mr. Geek wasn’t oh-so-wonderful after all. It just goes to show that the perfect man is extinct. There is no reason for me to believe that Mr. Experience is any different. Maybe my theory had been true all along. Maybe he has just been taking advantage of the fact that i am there and and i am there now.

I’m starting to realize, that men don’t break my heart. I break my own heart by letting myself become so vulnerable to men i don’t entirely know thoroughly.

I’d hate to harden myself though. I’ve heard too many stories of people who had grown cold too soon, missing the love of their life by a moment. But then again, maybe ‘the love of one’s life’ is but a mere legend. There might be no such thing. Maybe there is just the man and the woman, who find one another and make the decision that they can live with each other for the rest of their lives, and move on and make babies. Maybe in reality that’s what’s really happening. And maybe people just romanticize things to give false hope in the excitement of the whole process.

I don’t know which is worse: being hopeful and risking getting my heart ripped to shreds many times over, or being cynical and risking meeting the so called love of my life. Either way, a person with my emotional profile would be tremendously screwed. Maybe i should be neither, but i’m finding that really hard to achieve right now.

I think it will soon be time to quit the quest on my Mr. E. I have a feeling it will not be long now…