Are you my Mr. E?

I decided to take a break from work and next week, I will be visiting mr. experience. Our conversation about it when I first brought it up wasn’t such a happy one. He actually told me that he doesn’t want us getting to visit each other be instead of me taking risks and meeting new people. I told him that i was meeting new people. I just haven’t told him about it, because he said he didn’t want to know. So now I’m not sure what he meant. Is he trying to get out of our little weird arrangement? I have a strong feeling he is. And I guess, logic will be all for it. I mean it’s not like we can both commit ourselves to each other in the near future. His job requires him to move around and it’ll be tough for him to say where he’ll be and if the time is going to come.

So ever since he said that to me, I’ve been thinking about it and I think i’m going to ask him if maybe we should call whatever this is off for now. I just don’t want him to feel guilty, or obligated in whatever way to me. Maybe he doesn’t give a fuck but I just want it to be in black and white that there is no reason for him to do so. I just don’t want to end up ruining something that might in the far future turn out to be a good thing. I don’t want to drag this on, given all the forces against it. i don’t want to end up hating him.

I was late. 4 days late. I know, i guess I’m paranoid. It’s just that, I’ve never been so scared in my entire life. I’ve never been so scared about being pregnant in my entire life. I started thinking about what I would do if i were. I honestly did not have an answer. I don’t think the guy would ever marry me, and i don’t think i could ever bring myself to getting rid of the baby. I probably would be in very deep shit if that happened. So this morning, while i was getting ready to go to work, I felt the glorious pain. I called in sick, and lay in bed, crying because of the pain, but relieved that I didn’t have to worry about an unsolvable problem.

Then it made me think. Maybe I can never get pregnant. I seem to always have close calls, and I think I am the most wreckless with my sleeping habits. But i’m surprised i haven’t gotten myself pregnant yet. I’m also scared. Evuntually, if I do find myself a husband, he might not accept me because I can’t bear him children. I guess I’m not out of deep shit after all.

somebody should definitely write a book on how to deal with men. They say women are complicated, but men– I don’t even know how to describe them. I think women are easier to figure out, with men, it’s like everything is a random whiff.