Are you my Mr. E?

We finally talked about it and the conclusion was to just be friends. I would have liked to add “for now” but I don’t want to kid myself. I know that he probably doesn’t feel as much for me as I do for him and I don’t think he’s really thinking that anything can actually happen in the future. I guess I can’t blame him. We’ve only really known each other for less than a year, and I don’t think that’s enough for anyone to see whether a relationship is worth putting so much effort in a long distance one. He says he doesn’t know where he’s going with his life, figuratively and literally so he doesn’t want to promise anything. Which I guess is fair, at least he’s being honest with me. I think it’s time i should be honest with  myself too. Do i really feel that much for him? I’m trying to ask myself, why on earth I think that he’s worth waiting, and making future plans for? Maybe because he’s about the only man I’ve ever met recently who’s been decent enough to me. I guess that says a lot about the guys I’ve been relating with. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I should put more effort in finding a good guy. I’m sure there are more of them out there, right? Mr. Experience is younger than me anyway. From what I’ve seen, guys younger or even my age, tend to be much less mature than me. And another thing, he’s got so much ahead of him that it’ll be hard to synchronize our wants in life. Maybe I want to settle down before I’m thirty. That, I think would be impossible for him. He’s the type that would want to experience the world and I don’t think he’ll be able to accomplish that in a span of 5 years. I guess I don’t know him that well anyway. I keep asking myself whether he’s just being sweet because what we have is something that’s here now. But maybe I should ask myself whether I’m feeling the way I do because of the same reason.

I hate love stories that we see and read in movies and books. They idealize everything and make you want things to be just as heartwarming in real life. But maybe real life wasn’t meant to be that way. I fear I have become cynical. I don’t think i can go back to the romantic I was. Maybe I should just get real. Maybe I should wake up and realize that Mr. E is never going to come to me. Maybe he was meant to be in my dreams, to give me hope and make me look forward to sleeping and resting.

I guess I’m still a bit of a romantic. I still see some love stories happen in real life. I guess there’s always that little spark of hope in my heart that someday, it could be me in blissful happiness in the arms of someone I love, someone who loves me as much in return.

I realize that I’ve never been in a relationship where I was loved more than I loved. But I don’t think it would be long before that would be easy to achieve.

I wonder if he saw my mail.. He didn’t seem to have any reaction today.  I wish for some reaction. No reaction sucks. :S Or is this his reaction? Should I just get over this and continue to act normal?

I just said goodbye to Mr. Experience. I think It’s time I closed the book before my rain of tears ruined the pages of a wonderful story that was meant to be read at bed time when it’s only high noon.

I am sad, but I’m not crying. Because I know that even though I let this go, there is something wonderful that remains in my memory. A memory of something that never happened, but a memory of something very real. I know in my heart that I love him. But a love that is let out without a heart to take it in, is only going to evaporate in open air.  It would grow cold from the draft. It would freeze and die a lonely death. It is a love like this that should just be kept in the warmth of my own heart, where it can continue to live in the happy memories and the understanding that the heart that it was supposed to go out to is happy. The heart that it was supposed to go out to, is alive and well and surviving and living it’s life to the fullest. It understands that it can’t expect to live elsewhere, but it is content. Because it knows that its existence is enough to make the heart that created it proud that it was strong enough. A love like this knows no bounds. It can live in solitary and survive strong. Maybe not in the outside world. But here, where the love was created, it can keep the heart company. It can keep the heart strong. A love enough for 2 is sure to be more for 1.

I am happy. Happy to experience such a love. Maybe one day, if the other heart is ready, the love can move in. But for now this heart will continue to live on, in confidence that the love will last to that day. And if it doesn’t, then this heart will know that it wasn’t worth the trouble.

I am content. Content that I am sad, but happy at the same time.

I like Mr. Experience a lot, but I’ve been stalling on talking to him about ending whatever this is that we have. As usual, I tried to make myself believe that our situation is something that I can handle but I guess I was wrong.  I hate not being able to be honest about what I feel to him. I hate having to hold back because I don’t want him to be obligated to me. I know things can be great between us, but I know that It can’t happen now. He has his life to live and that life just doesn’t involve me right now. I wanted to tell him in person but I guess I’ll just have to do it over email. I’m just hoping that this story will have a “to be continued..” end text rather than “the end.”

I’ll write up the email now.