Are you my Mr. E?

Things have been going well. I guess you’ve noticed from the frequency of my blogging that I’ve had other things to occupy my time with. Mr. Machine and I have been hitting it off pretty well. I celebrated my first Christmas away from my family but I was with him. It was nice.

Somehow, I’m still well aware that this happiness I have with him is temporary. He is an expat like me, and I know that someday, it will be time for both of us to part ways and move on to the next stages of our lives. Maybe even sooner for me as I have my heart set on a job in the U.S.

I am very happy with Mr. Machine. I hate that I’m calling him Mr. Machine because it implies that he’s emotionless but he’s not. I know if I say that we have so many things in common that it comes off as too much of a cliche. Or maybe, it will just sound like we’re just in the honeymoon phase of our relationship where everything is just super. I don’t want to downplay what we have into something so mediocre. I know in my heart that this is something special and even if this lasts for just a few months, I’m happy. I’m happy to have known that it is possible to feel this way with someone. I’ve never felt this happy with anyone before. If I could have my way, I would wish this could last forever. But I’m not sure if he feels the same way. And if he ever chooses to go away, I would let him, cause I know he deserves to be happy. And if you love someone, you will let them be. Love. It’s a word I haven’t used in a while. Used in the full meaning of the word. We’ve both been careful with it. Maybe we’ve both been through too much to understand what that word really means. I know that blurting it out will not be fair to him and to me.

I guess I’ve used the word too loosely in the past and now I don’t want to let it go so easily. I think I love him already. But I don’t want to burden him with it. Is it possible to burden someone with love? I guess that’s just how I feel.

A part of me wants to settle down and start a family. I know, it’s too soon for me to start thinking about these things with Mr. Machine. I’ve only really known him for a bit over than a month. I’ve spent almost everyday with him though, and things are still interesting. I know eventually things will become routine. But that’s the thing. We’re pretty much okay with just doing nothing. I like just being where he is, even if it’s just doing nothing. Part of me is always conscious of course of the fact that he might start getting sick of me. At the same time, part of me wants that to happen so we can both get over it so that when the time comes when either of us have to leave, it wont be as hard.

Sigh. What do I know about love.

I met mr. machine at a party 2 months ago. He worked with one of my business partners and got introduced. We also got really drunk and found out that we lived near each other so we decided to share a cab home. Intoxicated as we were, you probably can guess what happened next.

I’ve never done anything like that before, go home with a man that I just met at a bar after overdosing on alcohol. It was a wild night though. It was the first time I ever heard of the 8:1 rule, and I wasn’t complaining. I was overwhelmed though.

He had SMS’d me a few times after but I didn’t want to seem too eager to reply. Part of it is because I knew that if i did, something will definitely become of it, and I already had this weird thing going on with Mr. Grant and I was still very much in love with Mr. Experience. I didn’t want yet another complication in my life. Not yet.

A month ago, I was feeling down and just wanted to be with someone. One night in particular, Mr. Grant wasn’t free so I sms’d him if he was up to buying me that coffee he had owed me, and whether he would upgrade it to a beer. I went over to his place and we were pretty much all over each other again. The sex was even better than the first time.

It’s been a month since i’ve been seeing him and I’ve since broken it off with Mr. Grant as well. There was a time when he asked for a break though. We’d been seeing each other almost everyday and it seemed like he was having trouble getting work done. I guess I was choking him, and being too comfortable with him that i had stopped thinking about him and whether he was starting to become sick of me. I was a bit caught off guard because i didn’t feel what he was feeling and I guess I lost my place.

A few days later, he asked if i would go out to dinner with him and we did. We started off the night at a rooftop bar where we had a quick drink. after that he took me to dinner at a nice rooftop restaurant, with nice food, nice ambiance and nice music. Our first date. It was my first time being taken out to a nice dinner like that, and it felt nice. Of course, we ended up back in his house and doing even better than the last time. Since then, things have been better. And now, I’ve started to become a bit scared. I’m scared of falling in love with him. I’m applying for another job out of the country, which will mean that I might not be here for much longer.

why does it seem like i keep getting myself into lose-lose situations..