Are you my Mr. E?

Things have been going well. I guess you’ve noticed from the frequency of my blogging that I’ve had other things to occupy my time with. Mr. Machine and I have been hitting it off pretty well. I celebrated my first Christmas away from my family but I was with him. It was nice.

Somehow, I’m still well aware that this happiness I have with him is temporary. He is an expat like me, and I know that someday, it will be time for both of us to part ways and move on to the next stages of our lives. Maybe even sooner for me as I have my heart set on a job in the U.S.

I am very happy with Mr. Machine. I hate that I’m calling him Mr. Machine because it implies that he’s emotionless but he’s not. I know if I say that we have so many things in common that it comes off as too much of a cliche. Or maybe, it will just sound like we’re just in the honeymoon phase of our relationship where everything is just super. I don’t want to downplay what we have into something so mediocre. I know in my heart that this is something special and even if this lasts for just a few months, I’m happy. I’m happy to have known that it is possible to feel this way with someone. I’ve never felt this happy with anyone before. If I could have my way, I would wish this could last forever. But I’m not sure if he feels the same way. And if he ever chooses to go away, I would let him, cause I know he deserves to be happy. And if you love someone, you will let them be. Love. It’s a word I haven’t used in a while. Used in the full meaning of the word. We’ve both been careful with it. Maybe we’ve both been through too much to understand what that word really means. I know that blurting it out will not be fair to him and to me.

I guess I’ve used the word too loosely in the past and now I don’t want to let it go so easily. I think I love him already. But I don’t want to burden him with it. Is it possible to burden someone with love? I guess that’s just how I feel.

A part of me wants to settle down and start a family. I know, it’s too soon for me to start thinking about these things with Mr. Machine. I’ve only really known him for a bit over than a month. I’ve spent almost everyday with him though, and things are still interesting. I know eventually things will become routine. But that’s the thing. We’re pretty much okay with just doing nothing. I like just being where he is, even if it’s just doing nothing. Part of me is always conscious of course of the fact that he might start getting sick of me. At the same time, part of me wants that to happen so we can both get over it so that when the time comes when either of us have to leave, it wont be as hard.

Sigh. What do I know about love.