Are you my Mr. E?

although I think those aren’t in anymore. Seriously, if I documented everything that happens t ome, I think I’d be able to write a script of a super mega drama chick flick.

He was on the phone with one of his best friends and then he said “Aww, baby that’s great”. I felt like I got shot in the heart. When he got off the phone, I asked him if I heard him right, and he asks me “what do you mean?”. “Did you just call her baby?” Then he shrugs it off saying, “It’s nothing, she IS a baby.” I stepped out for a cigarette, in hopes that he would follow me and try to make me feel better. I finished it sitting by the ledge of the balcony and relocated to the reclining chair. At this point he steps out to have a cigarette, but still acting like nothnig happened. He asked me whether I was alright, and I said no. He tells me he doesn’t understand why this is a big deal. He finishes his cigarette, steps back inside and goes back to work. I took another cigarette, and when I finished, I went in to ask him, “Are you really going to go back to work while i’m feeling this way?” He tells me he will not apologize for what he’s said because he sees nothing worng.

Contemplation Break: Is there really nothing wrong with calling someone other than your girlfriend/boyfriend, baby? I personally conscioulsy stopped calling Mr. Experience baby ever since Mr. Machine came into my life. I just felt it was wrong. Aside from the fact that I didn’t want to lead him on, it just didn’t feel right to call anyone else but my boyfriend baby. Have I been under this misconception all along?

I told him it wasn’t that that was bothering me the most, but it was the fact that he could just dismiss me like that and leave me out in the cold, so to speak, and go back to work when he know I wasn’t feeling alright. I asked him what he expected to happen, and he tells me to cool off first.

He said he doesn’t understand why i feel so threatened when I already have him. He carried me to the bedroom and we talked. I told him how I felt, and how I was thinking. That maybe he really wants to be somewhere else, but is afraid to do so because things are going good between the both of us.

Contemplation Break: Sometimes, perfect relationships just aren’t. You know how it is in the movies, a guy/girl is anything the partner can possibly dream of, but he/she just doesn’t feel right. They always end up breaking up and being just friends. Maybe we were just meant to be best friends. Maybe he is on his way to discover the love of his life. I feel i need to prepare myself for this, if it happens.

I think he thinks i am overly jealous. Maybe I am. But, that’s the way I am.

I don’t want to create a drama out of my life. We ended the conversation in good terms. He had to get back to work, I had the feeling. And the least i want is to be a burden for him.

I want to stop myself from saying or asking you to please not think of him as an asshole, because it will only seem like i’m just fooling myself by protecting him. I would like to believe and trust my boyfriend, even though I tell him I can’t, after he tells me he can’t promise not to lie to me. Somewhere in my heart, I know he is a good man, and he just happens to get himself in the wrong situations sometimes. I would like to believe he is an exception, to the popular stigma of a player. But until I have proof that he is, I will like to live in this life of blissful ignorance, where I have a boyfriend who loves me, whom I love, and choose to be with.