Are you my Mr. E?

we made out.

crap.

what’s wrong with me.

things are getting more and more complicated. I have to stop myself but i can’t control myself missing him. I guess I’m being complacent knowing that he’s on the opposite side of the world… with his family. I hate myself for doing this! I hate myself for feeling these emotions for this guy who has a family who loves him, and whom he loves. Though, I’d be thinking too high of myself if i thought for one second that I could ever take him away from that. I bet the thought never even crossed his mind. I bet that he’s just entertaining me for the thrill of it. I guess everyone is like that. They love challenges, and they love being able to see that they can “still hack it”. The only fool in this game is me, because i’m letting myself fall. Then again, there’s also a part of me that feels like i’m just also playing the part, knowing that nothing is going to happen between the two of us, since i know how committed he is to his family.

What i don’t want, is for this to get too complicated for me to handle. I don’t want this to become too deep. I don’t want to get involved. Marriage is something that should be treated sacred. That’s definitely not something i want to mess up.

for the first time, MISter TAKEN hadn’t SMS’d me at all today, and surprisingly i actually missed him. I think i’m almost at that point when i’m about to fall in love. I knew this was going to happen.. I just couldn’t believe that it would. Dammit, the guy’s married, what the heck is wrong with me!? Maybe this is just an infatuation… maybe the feeling will fade away eventually.. maybe i’m just enjoying the attention and playing along.. but i’m scared.. what if i fall in love.. obviously heartbreak is the only end down that path.. What am i doing to myself.. i really need to get a life..

Yet again, I fall for another married man. I know what i’m doing is dangerous, but i guess what makes me complacent is the fact he lives far away and we only communicate online. I know he has a family, and part of me feels guilty for taking some of his affection from his wife. But part of me is being selfish, and making an excuse of my not being affectionate in return. I’ll just wait for him to loose interest in me, and then i move on. I hope i don’t fall in love before that though.

Thinking about it the other day made me realize that it maybe I who’s having problems committing. I always seem to be falling for the guys I can’t have, for whatever reason. Maybe I just don’t want the blame to be on me. What’s wrong with me? What have I become? I miss the days when i knew what love meant and i had the heart to give away, unconditionally. Now, everything is just a passing fling. My heart is rotting, and that can’t be a good thing.