Are you my Mr. E?

Things have been going great. Mr. Machine came back from his month long vacation and all has been well since then. I can’t believe it has been 8 months months since we’ve been together. I have had nothing to complain about and even though I don’t like saying things are going well (cause that’s usually when things start to shake up) but they have and I will just say that I’m grateful for it.

His last name starts with an E, could he be my Mr. E?

We finally talked about it and the conclusion was to just be friends. I would have liked to add “for now” but I don’t want to kid myself. I know that he probably doesn’t feel as much for me as I do for him and I don’t think he’s really thinking that anything can actually happen in the future. I guess I can’t blame him. We’ve only really known each other for less than a year, and I don’t think that’s enough for anyone to see whether a relationship is worth putting so much effort in a long distance one. He says he doesn’t know where he’s going with his life, figuratively and literally so he doesn’t want to promise anything. Which I guess is fair, at least he’s being honest with me. I think it’s time i should be honest with  myself too. Do i really feel that much for him? I’m trying to ask myself, why on earth I think that he’s worth waiting, and making future plans for? Maybe because he’s about the only man I’ve ever met recently who’s been decent enough to me. I guess that says a lot about the guys I’ve been relating with. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I should put more effort in finding a good guy. I’m sure there are more of them out there, right? Mr. Experience is younger than me anyway. From what I’ve seen, guys younger or even my age, tend to be much less mature than me. And another thing, he’s got so much ahead of him that it’ll be hard to synchronize our wants in life. Maybe I want to settle down before I’m thirty. That, I think would be impossible for him. He’s the type that would want to experience the world and I don’t think he’ll be able to accomplish that in a span of 5 years. I guess I don’t know him that well anyway. I keep asking myself whether he’s just being sweet because what we have is something that’s here now. But maybe I should ask myself whether I’m feeling the way I do because of the same reason.

I hate love stories that we see and read in movies and books. They idealize everything and make you want things to be just as heartwarming in real life. But maybe real life wasn’t meant to be that way. I fear I have become cynical. I don’t think i can go back to the romantic I was. Maybe I should just get real. Maybe I should wake up and realize that Mr. E is never going to come to me. Maybe he was meant to be in my dreams, to give me hope and make me look forward to sleeping and resting.

I guess I’m still a bit of a romantic. I still see some love stories happen in real life. I guess there’s always that little spark of hope in my heart that someday, it could be me in blissful happiness in the arms of someone I love, someone who loves me as much in return.

I realize that I’ve never been in a relationship where I was loved more than I loved. But I don’t think it would be long before that would be easy to achieve.

I’ve been trying to do this for some time now and today I just did it to get it over with. Mr. Geek has been trying to get me to ask Mr. Experience what the deal was. He knows how much in limbo I am with him, and I guess he doesn’t want to see me “suffering” as I am. I’ve always wanted to ask him, but I have always been afraid that I would scare him off.

I remember the first time I wrote him a mushy sort of email. I kind of didn’t hear from him for a while after that. I had to write another email to sort of retract what damage I had done, and had constantly reminded myself not to be as slushy mushy as I had been. I had to teach myself to hold off any emotion-filled statement I ever planned to say. I remember I had always been the super mushy type.. the type that would probably make even myself puke if i were not in the moment. If I were to describe myself looking at myself at a third person point of view, I would say I was the clingy type. That characteristic might have possibly scared off some of the better guys, and fueled some of the players in my life. That is probably why I tend to be more cautious about what I let on. I tend to be afraid of making any sort of endearment with Mr. Experience, though I have to admit, I become careless sometimes and sometimes, it just ends up all wrong. I have forgotten how to handle my emotions, much less how to convey them without seeming like a total wreck.

Why can’t we all just be honest about how we really feel? Whate ever happened to “The truth will set you free”? It seems like every one has to hide in some form of bullshit. It seems to be the way of civilization nowadays. Well, I for one am tired of hiding and being hidden from. If they can’t take it then too bad. I refuse to lie to myself anymore.

*sigh* if only i had as much guts as i seem to have when I have the keyboard at my fingertips and nothing but an LCD screen before me. All my resolve seems to vanish when I start feeling even the slightest hint of human presence before me.

I’m a nice person, really. But maybe i am too nice that it is intoxicating. I guess I have to learn how to put a bit of a price tag to my niceness so that people don’t take me for granted. God knows how many times that has happened before, even to the best of men. And I hate how I end up hating them but I can’t help think that it was my fault to begin with. Maybe if I had just made it a little bit harder for them to have what they want, maybe they will respect me a little more? maybe they would pay more mind to me? maybe they would treat me just a tad bit better. But no, I had to be little miss your-wish-is-my-command-i-am-at-your-beck-and-call. I guess I’m the type of person that doesn’t want to cause any trouble for anyone.

So I wrote him an email today, asking where i stand. I don’t know whether that was a good idea or not. Already I am starting to regret it. I don’t want to check my email because I know I will only be disappointed. He just came online too, but I’m hiding myself “appearing offline” and I think i will keep doing so till I receive a reply from him on mail. But if I’m afraid to check mail, I guess that will never happen huh? I guess I should prepare for that anyway. If he chooses not to reply, then obviously he is trying to tell me something and I guess he just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I guess I will let him weasel out that way too to avoid the embarassment on both of us. Maybe I could just vanish from him entirely. I don’t want to have to deal with it. It’ll hurt my pride too much, more over, it will break my heart I think. I had just recently gotten my heart broken when I found out that the infallible Mr. Geek wasn’t oh-so-wonderful after all. It just goes to show that the perfect man is extinct. There is no reason for me to believe that Mr. Experience is any different. Maybe my theory had been true all along. Maybe he has just been taking advantage of the fact that i am there and and i am there now.

I’m starting to realize, that men don’t break my heart. I break my own heart by letting myself become so vulnerable to men i don’t entirely know thoroughly.

I’d hate to harden myself though. I’ve heard too many stories of people who had grown cold too soon, missing the love of their life by a moment. But then again, maybe ‘the love of one’s life’ is but a mere legend. There might be no such thing. Maybe there is just the man and the woman, who find one another and make the decision that they can live with each other for the rest of their lives, and move on and make babies. Maybe in reality that’s what’s really happening. And maybe people just romanticize things to give false hope in the excitement of the whole process.

I don’t know which is worse: being hopeful and risking getting my heart ripped to shreds many times over, or being cynical and risking meeting the so called love of my life. Either way, a person with my emotional profile would be tremendously screwed. Maybe i should be neither, but i’m finding that really hard to achieve right now.

I think it will soon be time to quit the quest on my Mr. E. I have a feeling it will not be long now…

I’ve always wondered whether there was such a thing as a love of one’s life. In my case, I’m looking for my Mr. E. But, finding my Mr. E isn’t the same as having my Mr. E. I could find him, but realize that there are circumstances that prevent us from being together.  Love after all is unconditional. I can choose to love someone, even if he doesn’t love me in return. I think I have found my match. But this time, because there is no way for me to do anything about it, I will never find out whether I am wrong or right. I see him as the perfect man, and he isn’t even trying to put his best foot forward. As a man, he seems to have no flaw. Which I guess is dangerous, but still, he seems like one that I could love for the rest of my life. I only wish there are others like him. I have never met anyone who matches him in terms of how much he meets my standards. But, now that I know that such a guy exists, I will raise the bar on my guy tolerance meter. I know i shouldn’t settle for less. I hope I find someone who will make me happy for the rest of my life.

I think i heard him say
that one night, after so long,
we rested as we lay
i know not when, i know not how
i bid it, come what may
i think i might have found the one
but time is not today
I wish the world would spin with speed
disperse the seas that be
i’d walk a thousand miles or so
the song would sing for me
i know my heart would strive to go
and break this boundary
but, for now, all that i have
is ‘thanks, for finding me’

The ONLY guy I’ve found attractive around here just had to be married. There’s not going to be a story with this guy so he shall remain unnamed. I was never one to go after married men, and I’m sorry for those who do. For me, it’s like striking yourself in the heart with a knife. Sure some people find it a thrill to be able to “steal a guy away”. Probably it does something to raise their confidence. Or perhaps, it really is true love found out a little too late. But regardless, I could never imagine putting myself in the situation. That would just be a really big headache.

But it still doesn’t hurt to admire from afar :p He is just SO handsome. One acquaintance that I would truly classify as handsome. The others that I’ve been attracted to so far, they’ve been at best, “cute”. This guy is just–I’m simply at loss when I think about him. And he talked to me at the elevator! I felt like I was melting. It took all my self control to keep from asking out of the blue if he had a single brother. His eyes, his eyes were just so–*sigh*. I feel like i’m in highschool again. Whenever I see him, I’m reminded of how beautiful man can be. Whenever  I think about him, I wonder if I’d ever be able to score a guy as handsome as he. Talk about raising the bar for my Mr. E. If I were to judge based on looks, I think I’d grow to be an old maid.  *sob*

I have a feeling i’m going to grow into an old maid.. My mr. e will remain a mystery.. but then again, if that’ the way things were meant to be, then so be it..

 I guess i’m just in the mood to be all mushy since i’ve been hearing about so many of my acquaintances getting married.. getting together and all that lovey dovey stuff.. and me? Still alone.. what a sad life i have..

no he’s not someone new… He’s actually someone from the past. Today I was so bored that I decided to read through some of my mail from an old retired mailbox. I came across a string of email from this guy from waaay back. It was a funny and pretty long story.

The time I met him, I was infatuated over his best friend, which is why I didn’t pay much mind to him, despite his efforts, which now leaves me wondering what if. Now I miss how he was so sweet to me, and how he expressed his feelings to me for quite a while before finally giving up. He had to move out of the country for work and I haven’t seen him for the longest time. It came to a point, a year after he left when I had him pose as my ex so i could get out of this illegal relationship with a guy who already had a girlfriend. yeah i know, sounds like a familiar story, but this one only had ONE other girlfriend, he’s not the same guy. Anyway, when I put him up to that, i think he was well over me already but it amused him that we never WERE and now he was an EX. I don’t remember exactly why i picked HIM but I guess part of it was because I missed him. I missed how special and loved he made me feel. I still do. I don’t know if I really did mean anything to him. And right now, and this is not the first time i felt it, I’m really wondering what if. But i know it’s never going to happen. He’s now married and happy.

But reading through all the email he sent, I couldn’t believe how insensitive I was to how much a person could feel towards another.  I think there hasn’t been any other guy who expressed so much of his feelings for me. He was one great catch that I should kick myself for not keeping.

Which made me think further, maybe my Mr. E had coming knocking on my back door, but i was too busy with other things, that i didn’t notice. *sigh* I’m really on depro mode right now.

and mr. lbdt sms’d at just the right time.. so last night i was with him again.. a vicious cycle (and vice) to indulge in.. i know i have to stop.. i don’t want to make excuses, because i know there aren’t any sufficient ones. i guess you can say i don’t want to stop it yet.. right now i feel no reason to.. and it’s hard to control carnal wishes if you don’t have a reason to.. yes lame reasoning to excuse myself from the bad things i’m doing.. how pathetic.. must improve myself! but it’s difficult.. when you don’t have any reason to do so.. my Mr. E should be my reason.. but right now, i don’t think he’s ever coming into my life.. or maybe he’s just waiting for me to straighten myself out? i don’t know.. and frankly, i don’t care.. it’s his fault he’s taking so long.. i feel like i’m decaying.. pretty soon.. i hate to become someone fucked up beyond all repair.. but i think that’s my destiny.. is my Mr.E just a fantasy?

three rounds of beers for the both of us, please.  

I never considered Mr. Lawyer a love interest, and i haven’t changed my mind about that. I’ve added him to my list because i wanted to tell you guys about him, and think about what i plan to do with him over time.

I’ve known mr. lawyer for 5 years now. He helped me out a number of times before when i was new to the city. We went on friendly dates like movies, or lunch but was never anything romantic, at least not to me. I saw him as somewhat like an older brother. Sometime last year, we went out to have a few drinks. I hadn’t seen him in the longest time, so i ranted to him about all the boy troubles i’ve been having that time. I was having a good night, being able to talk out all my negative stuff to him and to me, it felt good having a friend like him to talk to, or so i thought. Towards the end of the night though, he did something really weird. He asked if i wanted to “have some fun before i go home” and told me that we go in different circles of friends and that would work well cause it wouldn’t be awkward. I wanted to slap his face off his head. Of course i remained calm and asked him to take me home, pretending that i wasn’t offended at his proposal. I didn’t talk to him for a while, ignoring all his calls and SMS messages. I couldn’t believe that someone whom i respected and looked up to, almost like an older brother would do something as perverse as that. Lately we’ve started talking to each other again. I’m not one to bear grudges, but I’m not one to forget either.

We went out again last night and things were friendly, no indecent proposals. I don’t know if he’s learned his lesson or he’s planning a different attack. I’m on guard now. He tries something funny, i will not hesitate to put my foot down, where it matters.

 That time last year i was devastated. Because of the boy troubles i’ve been having that time, and then the betrayal of the only guy i thought i could trust that time, i thought i was hopeless. I didn’t know whether some guys are sickos and i just happen to come by everyone of them, or is it the way I am that draws those kinds of people to me? Am i a slut in denial? right now that i think about it, and after everything i’ve gone through since, i think that’s what i’ve become.. a slut in denial. The difference of now and then is that before, i’d get involved with guys to make them happy. Now it’s just to satisfy my own urges. And i don’t pity myself anymore because i’m doing something, for once, for me. Is that so bad? I know i’m going to get burned in the end, but to learn, sometimes you got to learn the hard way.

Have i damaged myself? So much that even if i find my Mr. E, i wouldn’t think i would be worthy of him? I guess that’s my greatest fear right now…