Are you my Mr. E?

although I think those aren’t in anymore. Seriously, if I documented everything that happens t ome, I think I’d be able to write a script of a super mega drama chick flick.

He was on the phone with one of his best friends and then he said “Aww, baby that’s great”. I felt like I got shot in the heart. When he got off the phone, I asked him if I heard him right, and he asks me “what do you mean?”. “Did you just call her baby?” Then he shrugs it off saying, “It’s nothing, she IS a baby.” I stepped out for a cigarette, in hopes that he would follow me and try to make me feel better. I finished it sitting by the ledge of the balcony and relocated to the reclining chair. At this point he steps out to have a cigarette, but still acting like nothnig happened. He asked me whether I was alright, and I said no. He tells me he doesn’t understand why this is a big deal. He finishes his cigarette, steps back inside and goes back to work. I took another cigarette, and when I finished, I went in to ask him, “Are you really going to go back to work while i’m feeling this way?” He tells me he will not apologize for what he’s said because he sees nothing worng.

Contemplation Break: Is there really nothing wrong with calling someone other than your girlfriend/boyfriend, baby? I personally conscioulsy stopped calling Mr. Experience baby ever since Mr. Machine came into my life. I just felt it was wrong. Aside from the fact that I didn’t want to lead him on, it just didn’t feel right to call anyone else but my boyfriend baby. Have I been under this misconception all along?

I told him it wasn’t that that was bothering me the most, but it was the fact that he could just dismiss me like that and leave me out in the cold, so to speak, and go back to work when he know I wasn’t feeling alright. I asked him what he expected to happen, and he tells me to cool off first.

He said he doesn’t understand why i feel so threatened when I already have him. He carried me to the bedroom and we talked. I told him how I felt, and how I was thinking. That maybe he really wants to be somewhere else, but is afraid to do so because things are going good between the both of us.

Contemplation Break: Sometimes, perfect relationships just aren’t. You know how it is in the movies, a guy/girl is anything the partner can possibly dream of, but he/she just doesn’t feel right. They always end up breaking up and being just friends. Maybe we were just meant to be best friends. Maybe he is on his way to discover the love of his life. I feel i need to prepare myself for this, if it happens.

I think he thinks i am overly jealous. Maybe I am. But, that’s the way I am.

I don’t want to create a drama out of my life. We ended the conversation in good terms. He had to get back to work, I had the feeling. And the least i want is to be a burden for him.

I want to stop myself from saying or asking you to please not think of him as an asshole, because it will only seem like i’m just fooling myself by protecting him. I would like to believe and trust my boyfriend, even though I tell him I can’t, after he tells me he can’t promise not to lie to me. Somewhere in my heart, I know he is a good man, and he just happens to get himself in the wrong situations sometimes. I would like to believe he is an exception, to the popular stigma of a player. But until I have proof that he is, I will like to live in this life of blissful ignorance, where I have a boyfriend who loves me, whom I love, and choose to be with.

We finally talked about it and the conclusion was to just be friends. I would have liked to add “for now” but I don’t want to kid myself. I know that he probably doesn’t feel as much for me as I do for him and I don’t think he’s really thinking that anything can actually happen in the future. I guess I can’t blame him. We’ve only really known each other for less than a year, and I don’t think that’s enough for anyone to see whether a relationship is worth putting so much effort in a long distance one. He says he doesn’t know where he’s going with his life, figuratively and literally so he doesn’t want to promise anything. Which I guess is fair, at least he’s being honest with me. I think it’s time i should be honest with  myself too. Do i really feel that much for him? I’m trying to ask myself, why on earth I think that he’s worth waiting, and making future plans for? Maybe because he’s about the only man I’ve ever met recently who’s been decent enough to me. I guess that says a lot about the guys I’ve been relating with. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I should put more effort in finding a good guy. I’m sure there are more of them out there, right? Mr. Experience is younger than me anyway. From what I’ve seen, guys younger or even my age, tend to be much less mature than me. And another thing, he’s got so much ahead of him that it’ll be hard to synchronize our wants in life. Maybe I want to settle down before I’m thirty. That, I think would be impossible for him. He’s the type that would want to experience the world and I don’t think he’ll be able to accomplish that in a span of 5 years. I guess I don’t know him that well anyway. I keep asking myself whether he’s just being sweet because what we have is something that’s here now. But maybe I should ask myself whether I’m feeling the way I do because of the same reason.

I hate love stories that we see and read in movies and books. They idealize everything and make you want things to be just as heartwarming in real life. But maybe real life wasn’t meant to be that way. I fear I have become cynical. I don’t think i can go back to the romantic I was. Maybe I should just get real. Maybe I should wake up and realize that Mr. E is never going to come to me. Maybe he was meant to be in my dreams, to give me hope and make me look forward to sleeping and resting.

I guess I’m still a bit of a romantic. I still see some love stories happen in real life. I guess there’s always that little spark of hope in my heart that someday, it could be me in blissful happiness in the arms of someone I love, someone who loves me as much in return.

I realize that I’ve never been in a relationship where I was loved more than I loved. But I don’t think it would be long before that would be easy to achieve.

I just said goodbye to Mr. Experience. I think It’s time I closed the book before my rain of tears ruined the pages of a wonderful story that was meant to be read at bed time when it’s only high noon.

I am sad, but I’m not crying. Because I know that even though I let this go, there is something wonderful that remains in my memory. A memory of something that never happened, but a memory of something very real. I know in my heart that I love him. But a love that is let out without a heart to take it in, is only going to evaporate in open air.  It would grow cold from the draft. It would freeze and die a lonely death. It is a love like this that should just be kept in the warmth of my own heart, where it can continue to live in the happy memories and the understanding that the heart that it was supposed to go out to is happy. The heart that it was supposed to go out to, is alive and well and surviving and living it’s life to the fullest. It understands that it can’t expect to live elsewhere, but it is content. Because it knows that its existence is enough to make the heart that created it proud that it was strong enough. A love like this knows no bounds. It can live in solitary and survive strong. Maybe not in the outside world. But here, where the love was created, it can keep the heart company. It can keep the heart strong. A love enough for 2 is sure to be more for 1.

I am happy. Happy to experience such a love. Maybe one day, if the other heart is ready, the love can move in. But for now this heart will continue to live on, in confidence that the love will last to that day. And if it doesn’t, then this heart will know that it wasn’t worth the trouble.

I am content. Content that I am sad, but happy at the same time.

I like Mr. Experience a lot, but I’ve been stalling on talking to him about ending whatever this is that we have. As usual, I tried to make myself believe that our situation is something that I can handle but I guess I was wrong.  I hate not being able to be honest about what I feel to him. I hate having to hold back because I don’t want him to be obligated to me. I know things can be great between us, but I know that It can’t happen now. He has his life to live and that life just doesn’t involve me right now. I wanted to tell him in person but I guess I’ll just have to do it over email. I’m just hoping that this story will have a “to be continued..” end text rather than “the end.”

I’ll write up the email now.

I decided to take a break from work and next week, I will be visiting mr. experience. Our conversation about it when I first brought it up wasn’t such a happy one. He actually told me that he doesn’t want us getting to visit each other be instead of me taking risks and meeting new people. I told him that i was meeting new people. I just haven’t told him about it, because he said he didn’t want to know. So now I’m not sure what he meant. Is he trying to get out of our little weird arrangement? I have a strong feeling he is. And I guess, logic will be all for it. I mean it’s not like we can both commit ourselves to each other in the near future. His job requires him to move around and it’ll be tough for him to say where he’ll be and if the time is going to come.

So ever since he said that to me, I’ve been thinking about it and I think i’m going to ask him if maybe we should call whatever this is off for now. I just don’t want him to feel guilty, or obligated in whatever way to me. Maybe he doesn’t give a fuck but I just want it to be in black and white that there is no reason for him to do so. I just don’t want to end up ruining something that might in the far future turn out to be a good thing. I don’t want to drag this on, given all the forces against it. i don’t want to end up hating him.

after my last post, I saw mr. grant again. We had dinner and chatted and yes, I ended up staying over. He’s a nice guy.. funny and interesting. But he’s probably not the type of guy that I would probably enjoy simply because I don’t know anything that I have that can be amusing to him. He can probably make me happy but I don’t think I can do the same thing for him. I’m not that interesting a person and well, there are a lot more women here that would probably suit him. He seems like the classy type. A classy woman would fit nicely with him. For some reason, I guess it is interesting to have someone to look forward to seeing everyday but to be honest, I think in the long run, I’d probably get sick of him and he, much more sooner, of me. 

Mr. experience is different. I probably think of him every single moment of the day. He’s wonderful. He has dreams and ambitions that he’s not afraid to follow. He has ideals that he seems not to want to compromise. He was definitely brought up well because his parents are just awesome. They remind me much of my own when I look at them. He’s begun pursuing his dreams and I’m just hoping the best for him. It’s funny though. I thought that being in almost the same timezone would make it easier for us to talk and stay in touch but I guess I was wrong. Since most of his work involves not being in front of a computer all the time, I barely get to catch him online these days. It’s making me miss him a whole lot. I guess the cool thing is everytime I do catch him online, I’m always really excited to talk. I wonder if I’ll ever get fed up of this arrangement. I really hope that if he settles down though, he’d give us a chance to see what we have going here. I love him so much but I don’t want to tell him because I don’t want to scare him away. I know if i do, he’ll probably back offf because i know he cares enough about me to not want to hurt me. He’ll probably just make it easier for me to forget my feelings about him since it’ll be a while till he’s settling down. I just wish, that someday we could actually be together. 

I hope when I’m reading back on this, I’d be smiling to myself and telling myself that I knew all along.

mr. experience is now in his new country, starting out his new life. We were supposed to talk before he left but his time didn’t allow it. He said that we could talk the when he got to vietnam, though that didn’t happen either. I guess this is the way it is going to be for the next few years.

Last night, I was at a party and the new guy was obviously into me. He seems like a decent guy too. I’ve had a crush on him since the first day he was toured around teh office as the new guy. He’s brit and I am a complete sucker for accents. Because I am still tired and sleepy– wait a minute, I’ll call him Mr. Grant, as in Mr. Hugh Grant. For some reason he reminds me a lot of him (you think it’s the accent?) Anyway, this guy is handsome. Not cute, but handsome. So handsome that there is not a moment that I see him in a social setting when girls aren’t fawning over him, dancing up on him, and last night was no exception.

We were in the same group that went to the after party. By the time we got there, everyone was already a bit high. And they weren’t that err.. shy about coming up to the Mr. Grant. Even the club dancers were up on him. amazing. British guys are lucky beasts i think. I seriously believe that it is the accent that gives them the edge.

Maybe it was because I was the only one who hasn’t been paying him much mind the whole time, we started chatting and he started asking me why i didn’t have a boyfriend. I told him i wasn’t looking. He told me i have no idea how attractive I am. That’s when I realized I’m not very good flattery.

So the night went on. As we got more and more intoxicated, he was talking closer and closer and holding me at the same time. And telling me that my hair smelled nice. He said that twice (is that a line?).

I had to excuse myself to go to the ladies room, then on my way back he was there and he asked me to wait for him. He went to the men’s room and when he got back, he suggested we go out. Next thing i knew, we were in a cab, kissing. (no it wasn’t alcoholic amnesia, i just cut to the chase). Of course, the rest is history. Two times: last night, and this morning.

What do i make of it? I don’t know. I don’t know how a guy’s mind works. What I think? I’m just another one of the weekend girls. I failed at that putting a price tag on myself test again. Sigh.

I guess you’re wondering wheter i feel guilty with Mr. Experience and all. The answer is yes. though he did say he would want me to find someone here, just not tell him about it. Now I’m realizing how dangerous that arrangement is. All I need is a decent guy really. I can choose to get along with someone.

why can’t life just be un complicated…

He SMS’d me the next day. I called him up and at first, we were talking like we always do. Then he told me that he got my email. Long story short, we got to talk a bit about it, and he told me that he would like to continue on with whatever it is that we had. He said that he liked talking with me and it’s not just because it was convenient. Sure, any guy can say that but then if I were to doubt everything a guy says then how do i expect to be happy. At least he was okay to admit it. He wants us to keep talking but he doesn’t want me to hold back on any opportunity for happiness that i might come across. But he also said that he’d probably rather not hear about it. I told him the opposite, that if ever he did find someone, I’d want to hear all about it. 

I guess I have experienced so much shit already that I figure, what’s one more time? But no, I really want him to be happy. He’s a great guy and he’s been nothing but open and honest about everything. I make my decision about people straight of the bat and I think I’ve made my decision about him already. I like him a lot and if ever we could get an opportunity to spend more time together and find out more about each other then I would gladly take it. I’ve had enough experiences with guys to conclude so I think. For him though, because he is embarking on his secret project, which involves him flying around to different places for sporadic periods of time, I want him to enjoy himself. I want him to experience and meet a lot of people. At the end of it, if he still chooses to try things out with me, then it would be much more fulfilling and flattering because I know he’s gotten a lot to compare me to. I also want to see him happy. He’s a guy that deserves to be. I think I know that I definitely don’t deserve him, after everything I’ve put myself through. If he chooses me then I will be grateful, but I will not expect it. It would make me happy if he can find a great woman to be his companion. Which is probably why I want to find out about everything so that I can be sure that he does. Well, not be sure per se, not to sound obssessed and as if I could dictate that abut him but I want to witness it for myself. I am happy when my friends are happy. Of course, I’m not denying that I could be happier if he were with me but I’ve accepted that that’s not something I can demand. I really hope the best for him, because he’s a great man. 

As for me, while he is away, I will try to make myself a better person, deserving of him. 

Good luck with your project and I wish you success and great experiences!

spare yourself the pain, there isn’t going to be a reply.

wtf did i just do…

I’ve been trying to do this for some time now and today I just did it to get it over with. Mr. Geek has been trying to get me to ask Mr. Experience what the deal was. He knows how much in limbo I am with him, and I guess he doesn’t want to see me “suffering” as I am. I’ve always wanted to ask him, but I have always been afraid that I would scare him off.

I remember the first time I wrote him a mushy sort of email. I kind of didn’t hear from him for a while after that. I had to write another email to sort of retract what damage I had done, and had constantly reminded myself not to be as slushy mushy as I had been. I had to teach myself to hold off any emotion-filled statement I ever planned to say. I remember I had always been the super mushy type.. the type that would probably make even myself puke if i were not in the moment. If I were to describe myself looking at myself at a third person point of view, I would say I was the clingy type. That characteristic might have possibly scared off some of the better guys, and fueled some of the players in my life. That is probably why I tend to be more cautious about what I let on. I tend to be afraid of making any sort of endearment with Mr. Experience, though I have to admit, I become careless sometimes and sometimes, it just ends up all wrong. I have forgotten how to handle my emotions, much less how to convey them without seeming like a total wreck.

Why can’t we all just be honest about how we really feel? Whate ever happened to “The truth will set you free”? It seems like every one has to hide in some form of bullshit. It seems to be the way of civilization nowadays. Well, I for one am tired of hiding and being hidden from. If they can’t take it then too bad. I refuse to lie to myself anymore.

*sigh* if only i had as much guts as i seem to have when I have the keyboard at my fingertips and nothing but an LCD screen before me. All my resolve seems to vanish when I start feeling even the slightest hint of human presence before me.

I’m a nice person, really. But maybe i am too nice that it is intoxicating. I guess I have to learn how to put a bit of a price tag to my niceness so that people don’t take me for granted. God knows how many times that has happened before, even to the best of men. And I hate how I end up hating them but I can’t help think that it was my fault to begin with. Maybe if I had just made it a little bit harder for them to have what they want, maybe they will respect me a little more? maybe they would pay more mind to me? maybe they would treat me just a tad bit better. But no, I had to be little miss your-wish-is-my-command-i-am-at-your-beck-and-call. I guess I’m the type of person that doesn’t want to cause any trouble for anyone.

So I wrote him an email today, asking where i stand. I don’t know whether that was a good idea or not. Already I am starting to regret it. I don’t want to check my email because I know I will only be disappointed. He just came online too, but I’m hiding myself “appearing offline” and I think i will keep doing so till I receive a reply from him on mail. But if I’m afraid to check mail, I guess that will never happen huh? I guess I should prepare for that anyway. If he chooses not to reply, then obviously he is trying to tell me something and I guess he just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I guess I will let him weasel out that way too to avoid the embarassment on both of us. Maybe I could just vanish from him entirely. I don’t want to have to deal with it. It’ll hurt my pride too much, more over, it will break my heart I think. I had just recently gotten my heart broken when I found out that the infallible Mr. Geek wasn’t oh-so-wonderful after all. It just goes to show that the perfect man is extinct. There is no reason for me to believe that Mr. Experience is any different. Maybe my theory had been true all along. Maybe he has just been taking advantage of the fact that i am there and and i am there now.

I’m starting to realize, that men don’t break my heart. I break my own heart by letting myself become so vulnerable to men i don’t entirely know thoroughly.

I’d hate to harden myself though. I’ve heard too many stories of people who had grown cold too soon, missing the love of their life by a moment. But then again, maybe ‘the love of one’s life’ is but a mere legend. There might be no such thing. Maybe there is just the man and the woman, who find one another and make the decision that they can live with each other for the rest of their lives, and move on and make babies. Maybe in reality that’s what’s really happening. And maybe people just romanticize things to give false hope in the excitement of the whole process.

I don’t know which is worse: being hopeful and risking getting my heart ripped to shreds many times over, or being cynical and risking meeting the so called love of my life. Either way, a person with my emotional profile would be tremendously screwed. Maybe i should be neither, but i’m finding that really hard to achieve right now.

I think it will soon be time to quit the quest on my Mr. E. I have a feeling it will not be long now…