Are you my Mr. E?

I’ve been trying to do this for some time now and today I just did it to get it over with. Mr. Geek has been trying to get me to ask Mr. Experience what the deal was. He knows how much in limbo I am with him, and I guess he doesn’t want to see me “suffering” as I am. I’ve always wanted to ask him, but I have always been afraid that I would scare him off.

I remember the first time I wrote him a mushy sort of email. I kind of didn’t hear from him for a while after that. I had to write another email to sort of retract what damage I had done, and had constantly reminded myself not to be as slushy mushy as I had been. I had to teach myself to hold off any emotion-filled statement I ever planned to say. I remember I had always been the super mushy type.. the type that would probably make even myself puke if i were not in the moment. If I were to describe myself looking at myself at a third person point of view, I would say I was the clingy type. That characteristic might have possibly scared off some of the better guys, and fueled some of the players in my life. That is probably why I tend to be more cautious about what I let on. I tend to be afraid of making any sort of endearment with Mr. Experience, though I have to admit, I become careless sometimes and sometimes, it just ends up all wrong. I have forgotten how to handle my emotions, much less how to convey them without seeming like a total wreck.

Why can’t we all just be honest about how we really feel? Whate ever happened to “The truth will set you free”? It seems like every one has to hide in some form of bullshit. It seems to be the way of civilization nowadays. Well, I for one am tired of hiding and being hidden from. If they can’t take it then too bad. I refuse to lie to myself anymore.

*sigh* if only i had as much guts as i seem to have when I have the keyboard at my fingertips and nothing but an LCD screen before me. All my resolve seems to vanish when I start feeling even the slightest hint of human presence before me.

I’m a nice person, really. But maybe i am too nice that it is intoxicating. I guess I have to learn how to put a bit of a price tag to my niceness so that people don’t take me for granted. God knows how many times that has happened before, even to the best of men. And I hate how I end up hating them but I can’t help think that it was my fault to begin with. Maybe if I had just made it a little bit harder for them to have what they want, maybe they will respect me a little more? maybe they would pay more mind to me? maybe they would treat me just a tad bit better. But no, I had to be little miss your-wish-is-my-command-i-am-at-your-beck-and-call. I guess I’m the type of person that doesn’t want to cause any trouble for anyone.

So I wrote him an email today, asking where i stand. I don’t know whether that was a good idea or not. Already I am starting to regret it. I don’t want to check my email because I know I will only be disappointed. He just came online too, but I’m hiding myself “appearing offline” and I think i will keep doing so till I receive a reply from him on mail. But if I’m afraid to check mail, I guess that will never happen huh? I guess I should prepare for that anyway. If he chooses not to reply, then obviously he is trying to tell me something and I guess he just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I guess I will let him weasel out that way too to avoid the embarassment on both of us. Maybe I could just vanish from him entirely. I don’t want to have to deal with it. It’ll hurt my pride too much, more over, it will break my heart I think. I had just recently gotten my heart broken when I found out that the infallible Mr. Geek wasn’t oh-so-wonderful after all. It just goes to show that the perfect man is extinct. There is no reason for me to believe that Mr. Experience is any different. Maybe my theory had been true all along. Maybe he has just been taking advantage of the fact that i am there and and i am there now.

I’m starting to realize, that men don’t break my heart. I break my own heart by letting myself become so vulnerable to men i don’t entirely know thoroughly.

I’d hate to harden myself though. I’ve heard too many stories of people who had grown cold too soon, missing the love of their life by a moment. But then again, maybe ‘the love of one’s life’ is but a mere legend. There might be no such thing. Maybe there is just the man and the woman, who find one another and make the decision that they can live with each other for the rest of their lives, and move on and make babies. Maybe in reality that’s what’s really happening. And maybe people just romanticize things to give false hope in the excitement of the whole process.

I don’t know which is worse: being hopeful and risking getting my heart ripped to shreds many times over, or being cynical and risking meeting the so called love of my life. Either way, a person with my emotional profile would be tremendously screwed. Maybe i should be neither, but i’m finding that really hard to achieve right now.

I think it will soon be time to quit the quest on my Mr. E. I have a feeling it will not be long now…

He told me that the last time he was “in the market” was ten years ago. I wish I could go back to that “era” and tell myself to shoot him a mail. I was already the geek i am back then, I’m sure I can say something intelligent to attract his attention. I don’t know why i have become so taken with him. I knew from the start that nothing was ever going to come of this but why did i press on. Why did i even feed to the delusion that things were not as they seemed. Wishful thinking always gets people in trouble. Look where I am now. It has definitely been a pleasure knowing Mr. Geek. He amuses me in all ways possible. I wish there was a way that I could change reality. I guess it’s true that there will never exist a perfect man. In Mr. Geek’s case, the thing that’s making him imperfect is the fact that he’s already married.

I appreciate his honesty, and I appreciate how he didn’t just drop me when he got what he wanted.  At the same time, my heart is tearing itself apart from all the emotions all that has happened is causing. I’m not sure if he realizes but, whatever amount of infatuation there was before we saw each other has just now tripled. I think I love him. He would have been the type of person I would propose to even if I was the girl, if only he weren’t married. 

I wonder if he is happy. He deserves to be happy. But he doesn’t seem to act like he’s happy. Well, maybe happy is not the word. I think i mean “content”. I want him to be happy. I want him to be content. He deserves to be. Not that I’m saying  that it takes me to make him so but I want him to BE. 

I love him. There I said it. I don’t know how much I mean it but right now, it sure feels like a hell of a lot of love. I’ve heard a lot of stories like this. About how some people find the love of their lives but they just have to let them go because certain circumstances won’t permit. Now I know how it feels. I wish i could turn back time.

I want to kick myself. I had a very good friend and now, al i have is disappointment. And it’s not his fault. Why did I have to entertain this. Why did I have to ruin this. I feel terrible. I feel like shit. I feel the lowest I could possibly feel.

I feel sick. sick of myself. sick of what i’m doing to myself. sick of being alone.

I’m writing you this letter on my blog because i know i would never get around to sending this to you. I wanted to let you know how much I love you but I know that I could never entertain the feeling, nor can I ever enjoy yours because your heart is already spoken for. I wish things were different. I keep wondering what could have happened if things were different. Maybe, if I had finished studying when I was supposed to, maybe I could have gotten out of the country sooner. maybe iI could have met you sooner, way before your heart was taken. I know it’s useless to dwell on things that can never be, but what have I to lose? I have had my heart broken so many times before and it doesn’t hurt for me to imagine myself living a better life with you. I know I would have been happy. We have known each other for a year now and I’ve seen how real you are to me, and how real I can be when I talk to you. I know I have nothing to hide when I talk with you. I know you wouldn’t judge me. I guess I haven’t considered whether you feel the same for me. But why bother, when things can’t be the way I want them to be anyway. I am free to imagine that it is. In my imagination, you love me as much as you seem capable to, as much as I do you. It’s a shame that things couldn’t be the way I would have them. I wish I could change things. I wish i had an alternate life. But I cant, and I don’t. I will have to live with this, knowing that someone like you is out there. Maybe, as they say, these things happen for a reason. Maybe my reason is for me to realize that such guys exist, and to persist at finding the one who will make me happy. I love you, but I will never be able to tell you how much, I will never be able to show you how much. I wish things were different. I really wish things were different. But they aren’t. So here’s another dead end.

I’m happy we are friends though. I’m happy that i get to talk to you everyday. I’m happy i have you to talk about all but one of my boy troubles. That one being the one where I have been hit the most.

I wish things were different, but they aren’t. I wish I could change things, but i can’t. So here’s to my dreams taht you fill, and here’s to the love that never will be.

I was browsing through my facebook and saw an update to Mr. Geek. He was tagged in one of his friends’ albums, he and his wife. That’s when it became real to me. He was married. They looked happy. She looked happy. I think I can imagine him happier though. I know, it’s selfish of me to think so. How could I think that I could be a better wife for him. I guess the fact that he’s kind of fooling around with me doesn’t help me believe he’s happy with their relationship. He will be visiting soon. I will make a point to grill him about his relationships. He practically knows all my stories but I don’t know a thing about his. Not that it’s any of my business though. But I want to know that he’s at least happy. He’s become much more than an infatuation for me. Sure i still am attracted to him, but I’ve come to grips with the reality that we can oly be friends. Except if, for some twist of fate, he would end up having a divorce. But then again, I realize that’s a selfish wish, lthough I have to admit, I do secretly hope that happens every now and then. Then I scold myself for thinking such a bad thought. I don’t want to wish misfortune on other people because I know the very same thing could happen to me. For all I know this girl is devoted to him and loves him with all his life, probably more than anyone could ever love a person. And maybe he just needs to realize that and then he too would be happy. I want him to be happy with what he has, he deserves it. And I want to help out. I want him to open up to me about his life and maybe i can say something to help him realize how lucky he is to have a woman love him so much. I certainly would appreciate a gesture like that for my would be husband. I know that a woman is capable of loving with so much passion, probably more than a man would ever be capable of. I think it’s an inherent quality of the female species, given that it is expected of her to love not just her husband but their children as well. Because I love Mr. Geek, I want him to be happy. I want to find out if the person he is with loves him. Actually, I want to be assured of that. I would hate to see him waste his life away to a marriage where they both are not happy. I wish at least for the woman to love him very much. He could always learn to love her in return. But if she doesn’t love him, then I’d be sad. I can see that he’s not exactly head over heels over her. If he was, he wouldn’t be spending every night talking to me. If she doesn’t love him as much as i would like to believe she does, then it would be such a waste. This guy is amazing. He definitely knows how to treat a woman. He definitely knows how to please her. That much I have gathered from our occassional steamy conversations when he’s alone in a hotel room in one of his business trips. I still find it a shame that he’s already married. I’m still very much into Mr. Experience, but honestly, if Mr. Geek were single, i’d choose him over Mr. Experience hands down. Maybe because I’ve gotten to know Mr. Geek longer than i have, Mr. Experience.  Again, I still find it a damn shame that he’s not on the market anymore. Still, that doesn’t stop me from fantasizing about him. I love how he talks to me. I love how casual our conversations are, and how he never fails to make me feel better. He knows how to appreciate women. So i was telling you he was visiting soon and we were kind of making plans of what to do. He said he would take me shopping and then take me to a nice dinner. If we really do get down to doing that, it will be my first experience of having a man treat me like a woman. No one would have ever done that for me in my life. To me, those things are things men in the books written by women do for women. I mean, sure, his intention was to get me wearing a sexy dress for him to probably ogle at, but the point is, i think he’s doing it more for me than for himself. He gets that a woman wants to feel desired, and that a man would actually pay to see it. Sure it sounds like something you would say about prostitution. But this is classier i think, it definitely boosts my self-confidence. Even if that doesn’t ever happen, he’s already built the fantasy in my mind that he has the intention to do that for me and that makes me feel good about myself.

i don’t know if there’s going to be any catch to this rendezvous. He definitely is making it sound like there is some intention of sex, but for some reason, I don’t feel cheap. I have definitely fallen for Mr. Geek. I’m supposed to be scared that something would happen when he visits. The last thing i want is to have the friendship that we built destroyed just because of a jump on lust. But somehow, I trust he wouldn’t do anything like that. Although, something does, I don’t seem to be worried. Have I lost my morals? maybe. One thing is for sure, I want to spend some time with him. Being specific about just good clean fun, I don’t know. I have a strong feeling that we’re at least going to kiss.

I have no idea why i’m still pursuing this relationship with him when clearly there is no chance that this was going anywhere. I guess I can have a talk with him when he is here. Part of me just wants to get the sex part over with so he can be like everyother man, take what he wants, and life can move on for us both. I guess the curiosity is killing me. I will burn for this. I have a feeling I wll seriously burn for this. With whom? The other man i’m desperately in love with, Mr. Experience.

If only there was someone like him, who had no attachments, no commitments. I think he’s someone whose company I can enjoy for the rest of my life.

Maybe this is my misfortune, for living my life and treating the people the way I do. What a shame. I could love someone like him.

I want to ask him about his wife. I want to confirm whether he really is married. Part of me is banking on how these people here, even though they only boyfriend-girlfriends, they tell the world they are married and they wear bands on their fingers.

He certainly doesn’t act like a married person, he doesn’t have kids. Or am I just fooling myself?

My heart is heavy every time I think of him.

I think I have fallen. Hard.

He confuses me. I guess there is still part of me that hopes he is not married, depite hs social network status, as well as the wedding band he wears on his finger. But I guess it’s wishful thinking on my part because I truly am head over heels over him. Like I mentioned in my previous post, I never imagined to fall this hard over a dork. And why I am like this, I have no idea. I wish I will get to find someone as smart as him. I’m so in love with his brain, his wit. I don’t care if he’s not super gorgeous (though this guy IS gorgeous) He’s got such a sexy wit that I’m just *uhh* I can’t describe it. I love smarts, I won’t deny that. I’ll probably easily get bored with an average person. I mean, he doesn’t necessarily have to be super smart, but he HAS to be witty. He should be able to shut me up in a verbal battle, else that would be pretty boring.

I’m so in love with this guy. I can imagine spending the rest of my life with a guy like him, I can imagine it’ll be just one long, hot geek fest. :p

*sigh*

Well, geek actually. I never thought I’d be this taken by a total geek. I don’t know why, but I am SO into him. but FUCK! he’s MARRIED! *sob* why are all the good guys married?! This is probably the 3rd married guy I’ve been attracted to, and this is one guy I’m REALLY into.

He’s smart, witty, funny, and gorgeous. My heart is heavy again. God I hope this too shall pass. If he weren’t married, I’d probably ask him out. His type is definitely someone I’d want to marry. He seems like he’s the type that will constantly challenge my intellect and wit and that I think is something that’s very important.

I have such bad luck with men…