Are you my Mr. E?

three rounds of beers for the both of us, please.  

I never considered Mr. Lawyer a love interest, and i haven’t changed my mind about that. I’ve added him to my list because i wanted to tell you guys about him, and think about what i plan to do with him over time.

I’ve known mr. lawyer for 5 years now. He helped me out a number of times before when i was new to the city. We went on friendly dates like movies, or lunch but was never anything romantic, at least not to me. I saw him as somewhat like an older brother. Sometime last year, we went out to have a few drinks. I hadn’t seen him in the longest time, so i ranted to him about all the boy troubles i’ve been having that time. I was having a good night, being able to talk out all my negative stuff to him and to me, it felt good having a friend like him to talk to, or so i thought. Towards the end of the night though, he did something really weird. He asked if i wanted to “have some fun before i go home” and told me that we go in different circles of friends and that would work well cause it wouldn’t be awkward. I wanted to slap his face off his head. Of course i remained calm and asked him to take me home, pretending that i wasn’t offended at his proposal. I didn’t talk to him for a while, ignoring all his calls and SMS messages. I couldn’t believe that someone whom i respected and looked up to, almost like an older brother would do something as perverse as that. Lately we’ve started talking to each other again. I’m not one to bear grudges, but I’m not one to forget either.

We went out again last night and things were friendly, no indecent proposals. I don’t know if he’s learned his lesson or he’s planning a different attack. I’m on guard now. He tries something funny, i will not hesitate to put my foot down, where it matters.

 That time last year i was devastated. Because of the boy troubles i’ve been having that time, and then the betrayal of the only guy i thought i could trust that time, i thought i was hopeless. I didn’t know whether some guys are sickos and i just happen to come by everyone of them, or is it the way I am that draws those kinds of people to me? Am i a slut in denial? right now that i think about it, and after everything i’ve gone through since, i think that’s what i’ve become.. a slut in denial. The difference of now and then is that before, i’d get involved with guys to make them happy. Now it’s just to satisfy my own urges. And i don’t pity myself anymore because i’m doing something, for once, for me. Is that so bad? I know i’m going to get burned in the end, but to learn, sometimes you got to learn the hard way.

Have i damaged myself? So much that even if i find my Mr. E, i wouldn’t think i would be worthy of him? I guess that’s my greatest fear right now…