Are you my Mr. E?

how some people can just forget the suffering they made you go through.. and how some people don’t even notice. I’v been screwed over by so many people that I’ve stopped counting. But it still amuses me how many years after, they find a reason to come back to me and ask for a few favors, as if nothing ever happened.

I was never one for conflict. I always did what i could to avoid it, and to never look back. When they’re okay, I’m okay. I just find it funny that some people aren’t even ashamed of themseves.

I came home for the holidays and the first guy I come in contact with again is mr. lbdt,  surprise surprise. He broke up with his girlfriend already and now he doesn’t seem as interesting as he was before. I really think I need to see a shrink.

Ever since I got back, he’s been SMS-ing and trying to hint to meet up, but I’ve always had an excuse. I’m leaving in a few days and I think I won’t be seeing him anymore. It’s a new year anyway, I have an excuse.

So like I was saying, I’ve been frequently going out with Mr. Friendzone everyday since the weekend that passed, and well, I needed a break. Yikes. Now I know how Mr. Perfect must have felt, and that was 1 MONTH of going out with me. Geez, is an apology in order?

So what did I do to think of myself as evil? Well, I exiled my mobile somewhere where she can’t be found, thereby ignoring any calls or SMSes of invitations to default dinner plans.

Thing is, I forgot to put it on silent mode. *Ring ring… ring ring… ring ring…* Well you get the picture. When the ringing finally stopped, I got my phone and read 1 new message that obviously came from him, as expected. And it was a “meet you at ****, *** o’clock.” type of a message. Uh, whatever happened to, “hey do you have dinner plans?”. It was more of a “I know you have no other friends so let’s eat at ****” kind of an invitation, which is, well, insulting.

Now I’m wondering whether I’d be this pissed if I hadn’t read that forbidden message. I dunno, I can’t recall any of my friends talking to me like that back home *sigh*.

On a different page, Mr. LDBT IM’d me this afternoon. I must admit I miss him. And because whatever fantasies I have for him have no hope of getting fulfilled because of the vast body of water that’s between us, I let down my guard more in our conversation. Goes without saying, the conversation got a bit steamy. I CAN’T HELP IT! He’s just too tempting for me, I’m SO glad he’s in a different country. And he kept teasing, and I kept teasing. Dammit. He’s probably the hardest temptation I have yet to overcome (no pun intended). I just hope I don’t get into a situation where I have to choose, at least not soon. I am evil.

It’s been a while, and I’m proud to say, that ever since the last post, I’ve been living a fairly clean life. Clean from Mr. LBDT to be more exact. Have I been able to take the time out for myself? Well, for one thing, no guys have been in (and out) of my life lately. I guess the past few months I’ve been focusing on getting started on my career. And I soon will. I guess it’s the perfect thing for me right now. With this new job, I’ll get myself a chance to start all over again, in all aspects of my life.

I have a confession to make though, I’ve been thinking a lot about Mr. X. It’s been, 2 years, and I still am not over him. I don’t think I’ll ever be. I guess that’s one reason I’m wanting this change in environment also, hopefully, this will help me forget him. It’s hard when you’re constantly around someone you can’t have. And so I guess this is me running away. I don’t know whether my decision to move was right, but I’m going to go on right ahead and jump in.

funny, this song “Circle” by Marques Houston plays randomly for the second time in the span of these few minutes. The first one was when I was writing to Mr. X telling him that I was bored and just needed someone to rant to. And now, when I’m ranting about him.

I know he’s never going to feel the same way about me again. He likes someone else right now so I guess he’s moved on. I think he moved on looong ago. As for me, it’s been almost 2 years, and I still haven’t stopped thinking of him. I guess this move will force me to move on. I hope for my sake that it will. I’m tired of feeling like this. It’s so depressing and distracting. But it’s something i can’t help. I guess as the saying goes, desperate times call for desperate measures.

and mr. lbdt sms’d at just the right time.. so last night i was with him again.. a vicious cycle (and vice) to indulge in.. i know i have to stop.. i don’t want to make excuses, because i know there aren’t any sufficient ones. i guess you can say i don’t want to stop it yet.. right now i feel no reason to.. and it’s hard to control carnal wishes if you don’t have a reason to.. yes lame reasoning to excuse myself from the bad things i’m doing.. how pathetic.. must improve myself! but it’s difficult.. when you don’t have any reason to do so.. my Mr. E should be my reason.. but right now, i don’t think he’s ever coming into my life.. or maybe he’s just waiting for me to straighten myself out? i don’t know.. and frankly, i don’t care.. it’s his fault he’s taking so long.. i feel like i’m decaying.. pretty soon.. i hate to become someone fucked up beyond all repair.. but i think that’s my destiny.. is my Mr.E just a fantasy?

it’s been a long time since i was last with mr. lbdt. and since that time, he hasn’t sms’d or anything. we did see each other last week and that was a simple hi from him. He sms’d the other night but i was already asleep. so last night i sms’d him, but i think this time he was the one who was asleep. then this morning he replied to my message and then i asked him whether he was at work. He replied with a yes-take-care sms terminating combo. i’ve been itching so much to talk to him. i don’t know, i’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, what it would be like to be with mr. lbdt as his certified significant other, and not just another booty call. I mean, i think i’d make a pretty good girlfriend. I wonder if i told him, he’d give me the chance… He actually has a significant other right now. they’ve been together for as long as i’ve known them, but for that same duration, i know he’s been having his share of fun, despite the girl’s immense loyalty. i don’t know why i want myself involved with this kind of person but i really am interested in pursuing a relationship with him. Probably when the time comes when he’s no longer attached, i’d probably tell him. or would that be too forward? I’m certain he’s attracted to me. Aside from him actually telling me so, i don’t think he’d fool around with me if he weren’t physically attracted to me. My only problem would be, if i could emotionally attract him.  i could take care of him, he’s definitely someone i can enjoy taking care of. I like his view on life, simple, practical and a survival. If not him, i wish i could find someone like him.

omg, i have a crush on mr. lbdt, all over again! hmmm..

as for the rest of my life, it’s still a bummer..

mr. lbdt is back in my life.. it was hard to keep away from him.. late at night i’m still in the office, then he’d sms me and ask to go out. I couldn’t resist, feeling lonely most of the time, i’d welcome a human body to warm up with. I know i’m just lessening my self worth when i concede to go out with him.. but right now, i’m not caring about myself much anymore.. as long as i’m having fun, i don’t think of the consequences much. These days i’m being stubborn, yes, but i don’t care. I’m settled on doing something for myself, not to please anyone, but to satisfy myself. Close my eyes on the consequences and just live it. Not a very good way to live life, but hell, i don’t care.

i was with him again last tuesday… mr. lbdt… i couldn’t resist the temptation… but i haven’t spoken to him since… it’s weird, the thing i have with him… purely physical… it’s not a fun thing to do… it’s different when you’re with someone you really have an emotional connection to… i guess it’s a one way thing in our case.. i’m sure he couldn’t care less about me except for my physical aspect.. i don’t want to do this anymore..

i think the reason why i haven’t been able to find my mr. e, is because i’ve been busying myself with all the wrong guys… 7 years.. 7 years of bad relationships…wrong decisions… wrong solutions… i think it’s time i sit on a corner and think my life over.. i know i could live a better life..

had an intense craving for mr. lbdt again yesterday.. i left a message on his phone but he didn’t answer sooner.. good thing mr. perfect called and came over too.. i changed my mind about inviting mr. lbdt over.. i know.. bad girl.. sometimes, i just dont think about what i ‘m doing, which is how i get myself in such messes.. i hate how i get myself into such situations.. i’m really asking for it.. i’ve decided before not to see mr. lbdt anymore.. too heavy on my conscience.. but there are just those moments of temptation that you sometimes would just love to give into.. thank God situation prevented things from happening yesterday.. i know i wouldn’t have been able to control them on my own…

part of me is telling me i should stop getting into relationships altogether.. since i seem like i’m not able to handle it yet.. with all the stuff i’m getting into right now.. i don’t sound like i’m ready for things.  but things seem to be going good again with mr. perfect.. maybe he’s trying to bring back things but slower this time.. things were just rushed between us the last time.. maybe he’s trying to fix things? or am i just wishing for something that’s not there again? oh well.. at least this time around i’m not as into him as i was before… this time, i’m more guarded.. i wont give as much of myself as i did.. i know how hurt i got the last time.. i don’t want that happening again..

mr. e… show yourself to me..