Are you my Mr. E?

Was reading one of my previous posts (http://mizzunderstood.wordpress.com/2006/01/04/i-dont-want-to-wait-in-vain/ ) and it seemed like i could cut and paste this entry right now and tag it with the new guy. The bad thing was, he never told me what happened, I never knew what I did wrong. And the same thing seems to be happening all over again. I am tempted to send a mail to Mr. Perfect and ask him what exactly i did wrong, but i’m not one for opening up old wounds either.

i only talk to mr. far away online.. i’m excited to go to work everyday so i can chat with him.. he’s a very witty guy and i’m enjoying the conversations i have with him.. i’m tempted to ask for his mobile number.. then again, if we start sms-ing, i’m scared that will loose the whole mystery and excitement of things.. i’ve already learned that absence makes the heart grow fonder.. i don’t want what happened with mr. perfect to happen with him.. i remember we went out everyday for a full month.. too much that he grew tired of it i guess.. i’m scared something like that will happen.. if we sms too much, he’df probably have a similar reaction and loose interest.. i also don’t want to run out of things to say to him.

 another thing that concerns me about mr. far away, is that he’s actually the ultimate love interest of one of my friends. Although i shouldn’t be feeling guilty because first, nothing ever happened between the two of them.. and second, someone else seems to be occupying her attention right now.. so i guess it’s not that big of an issue, i hope..

oh yes, and there’s also that “he looks like your ex” issue.. *sigh* oh well.. it’s just a crush :p

and honestly, can’t help but think about mr. perfect.. i haven’t heard from him for a full week.. he came over and talked with me that time i was depressed after the incident with mr. lbdt, though i didn’t tell him what was bothering me. I must admit, i’m still hoping a bit with mr. perfect.. it would be nice to have a romantic valentine’s day despite everything.. i know how romantic he can become.. i guess it’s not him i’m attached to, but i guess right now, he’s the most likely guy who can send me that giddy highschool thrill i so miss already.. i have received flowers, and confessions of feelings etc.. but just not from the right people.. i mean they’re great guys, but there’s just no spark.. and yes, although love is a decision, i know i wasn’t meant to decide on them. life is such.. i’m not cruel am i? are we really all after the people we can never have? where is my mr. e…

had an intense craving for mr. lbdt again yesterday.. i left a message on his phone but he didn’t answer sooner.. good thing mr. perfect called and came over too.. i changed my mind about inviting mr. lbdt over.. i know.. bad girl.. sometimes, i just dont think about what i ‘m doing, which is how i get myself in such messes.. i hate how i get myself into such situations.. i’m really asking for it.. i’ve decided before not to see mr. lbdt anymore.. too heavy on my conscience.. but there are just those moments of temptation that you sometimes would just love to give into.. thank God situation prevented things from happening yesterday.. i know i wouldn’t have been able to control them on my own…

part of me is telling me i should stop getting into relationships altogether.. since i seem like i’m not able to handle it yet.. with all the stuff i’m getting into right now.. i don’t sound like i’m ready for things.  but things seem to be going good again with mr. perfect.. maybe he’s trying to bring back things but slower this time.. things were just rushed between us the last time.. maybe he’s trying to fix things? or am i just wishing for something that’s not there again? oh well.. at least this time around i’m not as into him as i was before… this time, i’m more guarded.. i wont give as much of myself as i did.. i know how hurt i got the last time.. i don’t want that happening again..

mr. e… show yourself to me..

the past few days i’ve been busy with my alternate life so i havent been able to blog much lately.. a few more mr.’s are popping in and out of my life but too insignificant for me to elaborate.. wondering about the previous ones? okay let me give you a bit of an update..

mr. perfect popped back into my life, he came by while i was at a coffee shop last week.. we talked a bit, and he brought me home. I invited him in for a while.. no nothing happened, (at least nothing like mr. lbdt ) but we did get intimate.. i wasn’t planning to though.. i remember the last time i kissed him, i didn’t get that much of a response from him.. that was when i concluded he didn’t want me as much as i wanted him.. i guess you could say after so much, i’ve finally moved on, and all of a sudden, he jumps back in.. that night he one made too many passes at me that i gave in.. but that was just a night after i was with mr. lbdt.. i know.. it bothered me a lot.. i couldn’t believe i was there being with a guy a night after being with another.. i wasn’t that into the moment, but it wasn’t his fault.. i just had too much on my mind.. he invited me to go out with him again the next day and we did.. actually i thought he was going to cancel again, but to my surprise we pushed through with it.. after that, it was a couple of days again before i heard from him.. i guess things are going to be that way with us? am i letting myself be used? *sigh*

as for mr. lbdt, the days that followed that 2nd night with him, i spent thinking about everything, and realizing that that wasn’t the kind of girl i wanted to be.. and that wasn’t the kind of guy i wanted to make him either.. he’s a good guy.. and if not for my being so slutty i think he’d be a better half to his other half..

somebody slap me with a whip.. mr. e, show urself to me and do the honors please…

i was with mr. lbdt again last night.. but didn’t hear from him today… i think it’s all just a physical thing between him and me.. but a part of me refuses to care anymore.. or so i thought.. i’ve done much thinking today and i want to stop things between me and mr. lbdt before we dig ourselves a bigger hole.. but i don’t know how to go about it without ruining things between him and me.. i wish i could go back to last week, i’d change how i handled things with him.. when he came along, i was so frustrated about mr. perfect that i let go of all my resolve, not to mention my common sense..

but tonight mr. perfect came to see me.. he was about to tell me something but when i grilled him about it he changed his mind, then he’d tell me soon.. and he kissed me.. the last time we were together, he wouldn’t kiss me back. now i’m confused.. or was it just the moment?

i’m beginning to think that i’m not fit to handle any relationship right now.. i don’t know how to control myself.. i give too much of myself that i think i tend to get taken for granted.. right now, i can’t help but feel like a whore.. 2 nights, 2 different guys.. one committed to a girl, one to his career..  one known to be a player.. one known to be as loyal as they get.. but both of them treat me the same way.. a piece of meat that they have their fun with, then leave to dry.. i must stop allowing myself to be treated this way.. this is not the way to live a life..

right now, i’m scared.. scared that i have lost my emotions.. it’s become all too easy for me to be with different guys.. it’s like i don’t care anymore.. and i do things just to get it over with, not really caring what the implications of it would be.. i want a change.. i need a change… but i want to do it and not affect any of the people i know.. both of them are my friends, and i don’t want to lose the friendship with any of them.. i don’t know what i’m supposed to do.. if i had the power to, i’d vanish to the opposite side of the world, and live in recluse, and keep with women, away from men.. i’m tired.. i’m tired of all the bull that the men i’ve met have been feeding me with.. i wish there were a better way to live my life.. and i wish i could live it out..

i wrote him another email.. i’m sorry! i couldn’t take it anymore.. i’m not really one who harbors any grudges to people and i hate knowing that there’s someone i’m not in too great terms with.. so i emailed him and apologized if ever i said anything insulting or hurting in my last email, and i told him that i just wanted to be friends. he sms-d saying he’d like to talk.. he said we’d talk last night, then when last night came, he said he wasn’t feeling okay so he said we move it to this morning.. and when this morning came, again, he wasn’t feeling okay so we had to resched..

am i being too naive by thinking that he really does want to talk to me? or is luck just not on his side hence the illnesses.. or is it just not his priority? i still feel like an idiot.. i wish i could get over him now.. here’s a part of a song i just came across.. says perfectly how i feel right now..

You should’ve just told me the truth, That i wasn’t the girl for you… Still i didn’t have a clue, So my heart depended on You… Whoah
Although i’ll say ‘i hate u’ now, Although i’ll shout and curse you out… I’ll always have love for you, Because i am a girl
- Because I’m a girl (kiss)

i was on vacation with one of my friends.. that’s when i met mr. perfect.. he was my friend’s friend and we hung out with him while we were there.. at that time i couldn’t care much for him.. he was with his friends and i spent most of my time hanging out with the other guys cause it seemed like he and my friend were hitting it off pretty well.. so i got to get to know his friends, there was mr. levitation, mr. magician, mr. policy and mr. happy.

we were all on vacation at the same time and also from the city so we decided to hang out as a group. there was a night when mr. policy and i got into a discussion about men and women and how they relate to each other. it was a nice discussion, mr. policy has a way of keeping the people he talks to alert about the things they say, else he’ll find a way to use them against them. the rest of the time, i also hung out with mr. happy cause somewhere along the time period, we found out we had another common friend, my highschool band’s bassist. as for mr. levitation, he just had too much to say about his sex life that i didn’t really enjoy talking with him. mr. magician, he has his own story but it isn’t mine to tell so i’ll leave that alone.

on the last night, everyone was drinking so much, and for the past 2 days, mr. perfect had been challenging me to a drinking duel, always on the losing end. so on the last night, he was determined to beat me, but again, going first, to dreamland.. i ended up lying beside him because it was the only space left.. he was still up, and we started talking.. at first we were just talking about some casual things.. then later on, he talked about his life, his love life in particular.. the predicament he was in with this girl.. as i listened, it was clear to me how hurt he was.. and how sincere his feelings were for the girl.. and that got me thinking how anyone could ever want to give up a guy like this.. i let him talk it out until he got sleepy and we said good night..
the bed was by the window so i lay there, facing the window, facing away from him. i couldn’t sleep.. i don’t remember thinking about anything in particular.. it was cold and everyone else was hogging the blankets.. so i lay there, on my side, shivering cold.. the next hour into the night, i started thinking about my own life, thinking about how the next day was going to be the trip back home.. back to reality.. back to stress.. and emptiness.. when i felt an arm wrap around my body.. it was mr. perfect, asleep, probably out of habit, thinking i was one of the pillows lying around.. for a moment, i settled in his arms, enjoying the calm it gave me.. for a few minutes, it didn’t feel as cold, i didn’t feel as lonely, i didn’t feel as empty..then i snapped back to reality thinking who am i kidding?? the guy’s asleep! he’s probably dreaming he’s at home in his bed and wondering why his pillow feels like a scronny log. but there i was, in his arms.. then i startd thinking about all the things he told me earlier.. thinking that if i were in the girl’s place, i’d be the happiest girl knowing that someone loves me as much.. i felt him shiver in the cold so i rubbed his arm while fantasizing on the thought of being his girl. i turned to face him and put my arm around him.. if anyone saw us that night, they’d think we were a couple.. i guess i didn’t mind the thought, everyone was asleep anyway.. i now lay on my side with my arms around him, and he, on his back, his arm around me. I continued my trail of thought, wondering what it would be like to be loved as much as he loved her.. then trying to enjoy the feeling of being in the arms of a man in love, though not with me, knowing that when we woke up the next day, it’ll be like nothing happened. then he moved to lay on his side, facing me, his face close to mine.. i moved slightly, he moved slightly, and the next thing i knew, we were locked in a kiss..the next minutes, we hugged and kissed, not thinking why.. was it the liquor? till now i don’t know.. all i know is the next day, we both acted like nothing happend..

on our way home, i exchanged numbers with mr. policy, mr. happy and mr. perfect.. they offered us a ride home and when it was my turn, mr. perfect helped me with my bags up to my apartment.. when we were outside my door, it was awkward, we didn’t know how to say goodbye and ended up just saying “okay, bye, it was nice meeting you” i got into my apartment, wondering whether that was going to be the last i’d see of him.. as i was settling down, i got an sms on my phone, it was mr. perfect, telling me it was nice meeting me and that we should have coffee next week.. i said sure.. and that was the start of everything..

it’s been a day, and i haven’t heard from you since i wrote you a letter, being honest about everythng.. i hope that wasn’t a bad idea. right now, i don’t know what i want to happen anymore. i guess, when i wrote and sent that letter, i was hoping that that would jumpstart things and jolt them into order. i can’t understand.. why can’t relationships be as easy as being honest? i always thought that if you told the truth, you’d be fine. i guess there are just some people who can’t handle the truth. did i shock you with my bluntness? i didn’t know how else i could fix things, all i knew was that things weren’t as they were before. i have to say, i had the greatest times with you. you were everything i ever wanted, and i guess i believed that i had something special with you. assumptions i know… i know i never should have made any from the onset. i mean, you never did commit anything to me, you did say you weren’t ready for a relationship.. what’s wrong with me? i can’t think straight anymore. i know i’m starting to sound like a pathetic desperate girl (or already am) by sending you that letter and saying all those things. was that really a bad idea? if it was, i’m sorry for being honest.. all i want is our friendship back.. well actually, i guess i was expecting more. that was my mistake.. i think it’s time i should seriously try forgetting about you, that’s the only way i’d get over you.. but despite me saying that i’m not expecting any text from you today, i still am. i don’t know, i guess i’ve just grown too attached to you, after going out with you that frequently.. i mean who wouldn’t? especially with such a sweet guy as yourself? i have to let go, i have to accept your decision that you don’t want me in your life, at least not now.. i shouldn’t get confused with the sweet things you sometimes do or say, that’s natural for you and i shouldn’t take it as something especially for me. mr. perfect, everything was right with you, except for your being too kind. like they say, you have to be cruel to be kind.. i just wish you’d been more sincere with me. if you had, i wouldn’t get confused with how you really see me. i’m easy to talk to, you have to be frank with me though. cause if you coat things with sweets, you’ll only make it harder for me to let it go. i know you would never hurt any girl, who would do such a thing right? be it out of concern for the girl, or concerned with his reputation to other girls, no normal guy would hurt a girl. but being honest is still the best way to go. you shouldn’t have done stuff that could give false hope to girls, look at what happened to me. here i am, in a coffee shop, drinking my latte, and glancing everynow and then at my phone if i just failed to hear it or feel it vibrate cause of a message from you. despite what i keep saying, i still am expecting, i still am hoping.. dreaming of you was just too good a dream to let go of hope so easily..i know that especially after my letter, there’s nothing that could change the way things are doomed to be, but there’s still no harm in hoping.. hurts maybe but harm, none.. taking a deep breath…

i don’t know what’s making me feel bad right now.. is it my lost friendship, or the defect in me that i can’t figure out? or maybe it’s both.. i guess what could ease my mind right now would be to hear from you.. you don’t have to explain.. you just have to acknowledge that you still are aware of how i feel, and you still are concerned whether i’m okay or not.. i guess you think i’ve moved on and i guess you think thatt it’d be better not to bother me anymore.. but God knows i need closure.. i still need to hear from you. at least tell me what went wrong.. whether it was my fault.. whether there was something i did.. for the sake of the little that we had, tell me.. i don’t want to make the same mistake the next time someone wonderful comes into my life.. i’ve been going from one relationship to another, always not lasting too long.. there must be something wrong with me.. or the way i handle things.. or the way i act.. or the way i look..please.. take the time to help me.. could you at least do me that one last favor?

mr. e.. why couldn’t you have been mr. perfect? i really was expecting you’d turn out to be him.. he did seem like everything i ever wanted.. almost everything, i would have wanted him to have had the same faith as i did. i was just re-reading the email i sent mr. perfect.. i think that’s the last i’ll ever get to say anything to him. i’m sure he doesn’t want to see me again. what a shame.. i feel like i’ve really messed up this time.. should i have not emailed him about how i really felt? but i couldn’t help but feel bad.. i had to let it out somehow.. oh well.. it’s his loss.. who am i kidding.. i lost a great guy.. though i don’t really know whether there was something that i could have done to chang the way things turned out. mr. e, why is it so much easier for guys to get over things than it is for girls? i think it’s cause guys have a lot more available distractions.. girls are stuck with dealing with their emotions..

they say in a relationship, there’s always one that loves more. i just wish it wasn’t me. -taken from the movie “if only”