Are you my Mr. E?

I have to say, I think i am the luckiest girl in the world. He knows how to appease me, and calm my insecurities. I think I have found mr. e…

i wish i knew how to deal.. heaviness.. like i can’t breath.. it’s unfair how i seem to be the only one getting hurt.. it’s just unfair.. why can’t things ever be easy.. i thought i was happy.. i guess it’s true what they say, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is..

Jealousy and Mistrust… These are two things that can destroy you. Sometimes you just can’t help but feel it. But what does one do about it? You would like to ask to clarify things, but you know it’s asking for clarification for the most mundane things and you don’t want to seem like an obsessed psycho. Cause that’s definitely how I’m feeling right now.

I don’t know how to act normal. Well I can, but during these moments, what am I supposed to do. Should I just pretend not to notice? I just hate how most of the time, based on experience, my ‘theories’ are always right.

I guess I should be grateful that even for a short while, things were perfect.

Things have been going well. I guess you’ve noticed from the frequency of my blogging that I’ve had other things to occupy my time with. Mr. Machine and I have been hitting it off pretty well. I celebrated my first Christmas away from my family but I was with him. It was nice.

Somehow, I’m still well aware that this happiness I have with him is temporary. He is an expat like me, and I know that someday, it will be time for both of us to part ways and move on to the next stages of our lives. Maybe even sooner for me as I have my heart set on a job in the U.S.

I am very happy with Mr. Machine. I hate that I’m calling him Mr. Machine because it implies that he’s emotionless but he’s not. I know if I say that we have so many things in common that it comes off as too much of a cliche. Or maybe, it will just sound like we’re just in the honeymoon phase of our relationship where everything is just super. I don’t want to downplay what we have into something so mediocre. I know in my heart that this is something special and even if this lasts for just a few months, I’m happy. I’m happy to have known that it is possible to feel this way with someone. I’ve never felt this happy with anyone before. If I could have my way, I would wish this could last forever. But I’m not sure if he feels the same way. And if he ever chooses to go away, I would let him, cause I know he deserves to be happy. And if you love someone, you will let them be. Love. It’s a word I haven’t used in a while. Used in the full meaning of the word. We’ve both been careful with it. Maybe we’ve both been through too much to understand what that word really means. I know that blurting it out will not be fair to him and to me.

I guess I’ve used the word too loosely in the past and now I don’t want to let it go so easily. I think I love him already. But I don’t want to burden him with it. Is it possible to burden someone with love? I guess that’s just how I feel.

A part of me wants to settle down and start a family. I know, it’s too soon for me to start thinking about these things with Mr. Machine. I’ve only really known him for a bit over than a month. I’ve spent almost everyday with him though, and things are still interesting. I know eventually things will become routine. But that’s the thing. We’re pretty much okay with just doing nothing. I like just being where he is, even if it’s just doing nothing. Part of me is always conscious of course of the fact that he might start getting sick of me. At the same time, part of me wants that to happen so we can both get over it so that when the time comes when either of us have to leave, it wont be as hard.

Sigh. What do I know about love.

I wonder if he saw my mail.. He didn’t seem to have any reaction today.  I wish for some reaction. No reaction sucks. :S Or is this his reaction? Should I just get over this and continue to act normal?

I was late. 4 days late. I know, i guess I’m paranoid. It’s just that, I’ve never been so scared in my entire life. I’ve never been so scared about being pregnant in my entire life. I started thinking about what I would do if i were. I honestly did not have an answer. I don’t think the guy would ever marry me, and i don’t think i could ever bring myself to getting rid of the baby. I probably would be in very deep shit if that happened. So this morning, while i was getting ready to go to work, I felt the glorious pain. I called in sick, and lay in bed, crying because of the pain, but relieved that I didn’t have to worry about an unsolvable problem.

Then it made me think. Maybe I can never get pregnant. I seem to always have close calls, and I think I am the most wreckless with my sleeping habits. But i’m surprised i haven’t gotten myself pregnant yet. I’m also scared. Evuntually, if I do find myself a husband, he might not accept me because I can’t bear him children. I guess I’m not out of deep shit after all.

somebody should definitely write a book on how to deal with men. They say women are complicated, but men– I don’t even know how to describe them. I think women are easier to figure out, with men, it’s like everything is a random whiff.

I want to kick myself. I had a very good friend and now, al i have is disappointment. And it’s not his fault. Why did I have to entertain this. Why did I have to ruin this. I feel terrible. I feel like shit. I feel the lowest I could possibly feel.

I feel sick. sick of myself. sick of what i’m doing to myself. sick of being alone.

Today, I got reminded by a friend about our friend’s wedding in 5 days. I wouldn’t even have remembered if it were not for her message to me on facebook. I feel guilty as hell. Here i am ranting and raving about my own misserable life when back home, my friends are moving on with theirs and I never paid any mind. Some friend I must be. I feel guilty. Guilt doesn’t even begin to describe how rotten I feel. I remember that my motto before was always friends and family first. What had happened since then? All my troubles seemed to cascade one after another ever since i started falling head over heels over one guy. I’m beggining to have some hate towards that one guy right now. If it hadn’t been for him if he hadn’t made me so fixated with him to the point of sacrificing my own dreams and ambitions, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Now therer that was a good or bad thing, I am unable to decide. But right now, Iit seems like such a bad thing to me. Bad because i have been missing out on a lot of things that have been going on back home. Moments in my family’s and my friends’ lives that would have been a jewel for me to share with them. I am starting to hate myself for being elsewhere in the world while my friends’ and family’s lives unfolded before them. And for me to be so out of touch. I hate myself because I don’t even have a success story for them to be proud of. It would have been much better if I had something , an excuse for my absence. Something that they could at least tell stories about to explain my  not being there despite my supposed vow of friendship and kinship. But it disgraces me that i have nothing. Why? because it seems that all I have done so far has been because of my selfishness to cover up my own ass. To run away and flee. To hide from the multitude of mistakes in the past, by making even more mistakes in the present. I wonder to myself if i will ever learn. If I will ever finally stop and turn around and face all that i fear head on and start doing for myself what needs to be done. Start succeeding as my parents and friends are hoping and believing for me to do. I know it seems pompous for me to assume that my friends have that much confidence in me. Maybe I am just afraid that they are just indifferent. I guess that’s the greatest of fears that one could possibly have. To be so insignificant, to stop bearning meaning or importance in the lives of the people you grew up with. Sure you could make new friends, but none could certainly match the bonds that are formed in the state of childhood. When things of miniscule importance seemed the world, when the little tragedies of life seemed a matter of life and death. And in all that drama, you had your friends. You had people you could count on to climb into a jeepney with you and listen as you poured out your frustrations in life. I wish to have back that feeling of comfort in the presence of my friends. I wish I could travel back in time and feel that feeling again. And I wish i had made smart decisions instead of hasty ones. Maybe I wouldn’t be as lost as i am now. I feel empty. I feel scarre by my own doing. I have thrown my life away these past few years. I want to make a conscious decision to stop. I want to change for the better but I don’t know how. All this time, I have been living a life which i thought was approved by others. As long as others thought it satisfactory, It was good enough for me. Life is so much more complicated than I realized. There is much more to it than it lets on at the start. What to do…

I’ve fallen hard for mr. experience.. I’ll be on vacation next week to visit him. I’ve very excited to see him again. I don’t really know what i’m getting myself into. I’ll be spending a wee with him and I don’t really know what is going to happen after. His work will not allow him to settle in a place for an extended period of time which is why even if i wanted to, i can’t go and find work where he is.

But I wish i could. He’s the sweetest guy. He might not be perfect but he is just wonderful. And I think he cares about me. I don’t know how i can deal with this weird situation that we are in. I like him, i really do like him. I’m definitely falling in love with him.

He could very well be my mr. e.. but i guess only time will tell.