A lot has happened this year, not just for me but for the friends around me as well. Among my closest friends, I’m the only one not engaged or married yet but I am happy that at least I have a man. If i were in the same place i was last year, I think i would have probably gone home to find myself a husband :p But no, now I’m very happy where I am. To be honest, I used to have doubts. He just didn’t seem like the kind of person that I would think long term with. As the months went by though, it seemed like it’s gotten more obvious that he’s exactly the type of person I’d like to spend my life with. Ever since that day we saw each other again, we’ve practically spent each and every day together, apart from the two occasions he’s gone back home.

He’s met my closest friends and parents and they seem to be okay with each other. I just don’t want to get my hopes up just yet. At the same time, I can’t help but just be happy about how things are going for me. My only problem right now is my career. I’ve been in the same role for quite some time and I guess I don’t feel myself growing anymore.

I hope to find something new real soon.

His last name starts with an E, could he be my Mr. E?

He was on the phone with one of his best friends and then he said “Aww, baby that’s great”. I felt like I got shot in the heart. When he got off the phone, I asked him if I heard him right, and he asks me “what do you mean?”. “Did you just call her baby?” Then he shrugs it off saying, “It’s nothing, she IS a baby.” I stepped out for a cigarette, in hopes that he would follow me and try to make me feel better. I finished it sitting by the ledge of the balcony and relocated to the reclining chair. At this point he steps out to have a cigarette, but still acting like nothnig happened. He asked me whether I was alright, and I said no. He tells me he doesn’t understand why this is a big deal. He finishes his cigarette, steps back inside and goes back to work. I took another cigarette, and when I finished, I went in to ask him, “Are you really going to go back to work while i’m feeling this way?” He tells me he will not apologize for what he’s said because he sees nothing worng.

Contemplation Break: Is there really nothing wrong with calling someone other than your girlfriend/boyfriend, baby? I personally conscioulsy stopped calling Mr. Experience baby ever since Mr. Machine came into my life. I just felt it was wrong. Aside from the fact that I didn’t want to lead him on, it just didn’t feel right to call anyone else but my boyfriend baby. Have I been under this misconception all along?

I told him it wasn’t that that was bothering me the most, but it was the fact that he could just dismiss me like that and leave me out in the cold, so to speak, and go back to work when he know I wasn’t feeling alright. I asked him what he expected to happen, and he tells me to cool off first.

He said he doesn’t understand why i feel so threatened when I already have him. He carried me to the bedroom and we talked. I told him how I felt, and how I was thinking. That maybe he really wants to be somewhere else, but is afraid to do so because things are going good between the both of us.

Contemplation Break: Sometimes, perfect relationships just aren’t. You know how it is in the movies, a guy/girl is anything the partner can possibly dream of, but he/she just doesn’t feel right. They always end up breaking up and being just friends. Maybe we were just meant to be best friends. Maybe he is on his way to discover the love of his life. I feel i need to prepare myself for this, if it happens.

I think he thinks i am overly jealous. Maybe I am. But, that’s the way I am.

I don’t want to create a drama out of my life. We ended the conversation in good terms. He had to get back to work, I had the feeling. And the least i want is to be a burden for him.

I want to stop myself from saying or asking you to please not think of him as an asshole, because it will only seem like i’m just fooling myself by protecting him. I would like to believe and trust my boyfriend, even though I tell him I can’t, after he tells me he can’t promise not to lie to me. Somewhere in my heart, I know he is a good man, and he just happens to get himself in the wrong situations sometimes. I would like to believe he is an exception, to the popular stigma of a player. But until I have proof that he is, I will like to live in this life of blissful ignorance, where I have a boyfriend who loves me, whom I love, and choose to be with.

I have issues with the unknown, and i guess it’s in my nature to try to figure things out and piece them together. It hurts when I don’t know, so I do what I can to fix it. Sometimes, I wish I just didn’t think too much about things. Sometimes, I just wish I didn’t ask so many questions in my head.

Nobody is perfect, I guess that is true. We can only decide to accept, all or nothing. I sove Mr. Machine, but I don’t know how to handle it. How do you deal with this? There  must be something wrong with me, expecting that people are capable of doing so. But it’s actually happened to 2 guys already. They said they can’t promise not to lie, which is a very honest statement. Thing is, I have a very sensitive spot for honesty, especially in a relationship.

I wish I could just remove the pain.

why does this happen to me.

Apparently, she just broke up with her boyfriend recently, and because of that, she’s been calling my boyfriend at past midnight for a few consecutive days now.

Okay, so the girl needs cheering up. Fine. Let me try to put myself in her shoes. Would I be doing the same thing? I’m trying to think about a really close guy friend who has a girlfriend. I can’t think of any. Most of my close guy friends were always single. And when they get attached, things usually fade away. Personally, I understand what it’s like to be in a relationship and I wouldn’t want to impose a priority on myself. Maybe I just didn’t have a friendship that is like theirs, I don’t know.

Now my question is, do I have the right to feel bad about this? Or am I being too possessive and obsessive?

I can tell you one thing, it’s not the greatest feeling in the world. I should try to rid myself of these feelings. I don’t think it’s right. They’ve been friends long before I came into his life and so I guess she has some rights over him. Maybe I should just wait this out till she gets over her boyfriend. Hopefully she finds a new one soon.