the machine.

I met mr. machine at a party 2 months ago. He worked with one of my business partners and got introduced. We also got really drunk and found out that we lived near each other so we decided to share a cab home. Intoxicated as we were, you probably can guess what happened next.

I’ve never done anything like that before, go home with a man that I just met at a bar after overdosing on alcohol. It was a wild night though. It was the first time I ever heard of the 8:1 rule, and I wasn’t complaining. I was overwhelmed though.

He had SMS’d me a few times after but I didn’t want to seem too eager to reply. Part of it is because I knew that if i did, something will definitely become of it, and I already had this weird thing going on with Mr. Grant and I was still very much in love with Mr. Experience. I didn’t want yet another complication in my life. Not yet.

A month ago, I was feeling down and just wanted to be with someone. One night in particular, Mr. Grant wasn’t free so I sms’d him if he was up to buying me that coffee he had owed me, and whether he would upgrade it to a beer. I went over to his place and we were pretty much all over each other again. The sex was even better than the first time.

It’s been a month since i’ve been seeing him and I’ve since broken it off with Mr. Grant as well. There was a time when he asked for a break though. We’d been seeing each other almost everyday and it seemed like he was having trouble getting work done. I guess I was choking him, and being too comfortable with him that i had stopped thinking about him and whether he was starting to become sick of me. I was a bit caught off guard because i didn’t feel what he was feeling and I guess I lost my place.

A few days later, he asked if i would go out to dinner with him and we did. We started off the night at a rooftop bar where we had a quick drink. after that he took me to dinner at a nice rooftop restaurant, with nice food, nice ambiance and nice music. Our first date. It was my first time being taken out to a nice dinner like that, and it felt nice. Of course, we ended up back in his house and doing even better than the last time. Since then, things have been better. And now, I’ve started to become a bit scared. I’m scared of falling in love with him. I’m applying for another job out of the country, which will mean that I might not be here for much longer.

why does it seem like i keep getting myself into lose-lose situations..

We’re just friends..

We finally talked about it and the conclusion was to just be friends. I would have liked to add “for now” but I don’t want to kid myself. I know that he probably doesn’t feel as much for me as I do for him and I don’t think he’s really thinking that anything can actually happen in the future. I guess I can’t blame him. We’ve only really known each other for less than a year, and I don’t think that’s enough for anyone to see whether a relationship is worth putting so much effort in a long distance one. He says he doesn’t know where he’s going with his life, figuratively and literally so he doesn’t want to promise anything. Which I guess is fair, at least he’s being honest with me. I think it’s time i should be honest with  myself too. Do i really feel that much for him? I’m trying to ask myself, why on earth I think that he’s worth waiting, and making future plans for? Maybe because he’s about the only man I’ve ever met recently who’s been decent enough to me. I guess that says a lot about the guys I’ve been relating with. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I should put more effort in finding a good guy. I’m sure there are more of them out there, right? Mr. Experience is younger than me anyway. From what I’ve seen, guys younger or even my age, tend to be much less mature than me. And another thing, he’s got so much ahead of him that it’ll be hard to synchronize our wants in life. Maybe I want to settle down before I’m thirty. That, I think would be impossible for him. He’s the type that would want to experience the world and I don’t think he’ll be able to accomplish that in a span of 5 years. I guess I don’t know him that well anyway. I keep asking myself whether he’s just being sweet because what we have is something that’s here now. But maybe I should ask myself whether I’m feeling the way I do because of the same reason.

I hate love stories that we see and read in movies and books. They idealize everything and make you want things to be just as heartwarming in real life. But maybe real life wasn’t meant to be that way. I fear I have become cynical. I don’t think i can go back to the romantic I was. Maybe I should just get real. Maybe I should wake up and realize that Mr. E is never going to come to me. Maybe he was meant to be in my dreams, to give me hope and make me look forward to sleeping and resting.

I guess I’m still a bit of a romantic. I still see some love stories happen in real life. I guess there’s always that little spark of hope in my heart that someday, it could be me in blissful happiness in the arms of someone I love, someone who loves me as much in return.

I realize that I’ve never been in a relationship where I was loved more than I loved. But I don’t think it would be long before that would be easy to achieve.

Unread

I wonder if he saw my mail.. He didn’t seem to have any reaction today.  I wish for some reaction. No reaction sucks. :S Or is this his reaction? Should I just get over this and continue to act normal?

Is it possible to grieve the loss of something you never had?

I just said goodbye to Mr. Experience. I think It’s time I closed the book before my rain of tears ruined the pages of a wonderful story that was meant to be read at bed time when it’s only high noon.

I am sad, but I’m not crying. Because I know that even though I let this go, there is something wonderful that remains in my memory. A memory of something that never happened, but a memory of something very real. I know in my heart that I love him. But a love that is let out without a heart to take it in, is only going to evaporate in open air.  It would grow cold from the draft. It would freeze and die a lonely death. It is a love like this that should just be kept in the warmth of my own heart, where it can continue to live in the happy memories and the understanding that the heart that it was supposed to go out to is happy. The heart that it was supposed to go out to, is alive and well and surviving and living it’s life to the fullest. It understands that it can’t expect to live elsewhere, but it is content. Because it knows that its existence is enough to make the heart that created it proud that it was strong enough. A love like this knows no bounds. It can live in solitary and survive strong. Maybe not in the outside world. But here, where the love was created, it can keep the heart company. It can keep the heart strong. A love enough for 2 is sure to be more for 1.

I am happy. Happy to experience such a love. Maybe one day, if the other heart is ready, the love can move in. But for now this heart will continue to live on, in confidence that the love will last to that day. And if it doesn’t, then this heart will know that it wasn’t worth the trouble.

I am content. Content that I am sad, but happy at the same time.

Just about ready to give up.

I like Mr. Experience a lot, but I’ve been stalling on talking to him about ending whatever this is that we have. As usual, I tried to make myself believe that our situation is something that I can handle but I guess I was wrong.  I hate not being able to be honest about what I feel to him. I hate having to hold back because I don’t want him to be obligated to me. I know things can be great between us, but I know that It can’t happen now. He has his life to live and that life just doesn’t involve me right now. I wanted to tell him in person but I guess I’ll just have to do it over email. I’m just hoping that this story will have a “to be continued..” end text rather than “the end.”

I’ll write up the email now.

visiting mr. experience

I decided to take a break from work and next week, I will be visiting mr. experience. Our conversation about it when I first brought it up wasn’t such a happy one. He actually told me that he doesn’t want us getting to visit each other be instead of me taking risks and meeting new people. I told him that i was meeting new people. I just haven’t told him about it, because he said he didn’t want to know. So now I’m not sure what he meant. Is he trying to get out of our little weird arrangement? I have a strong feeling he is. And I guess, logic will be all for it. I mean it’s not like we can both commit ourselves to each other in the near future. His job requires him to move around and it’ll be tough for him to say where he’ll be and if the time is going to come.

So ever since he said that to me, I’ve been thinking about it and I think i’m going to ask him if maybe we should call whatever this is off for now. I just don’t want him to feel guilty, or obligated in whatever way to me. Maybe he doesn’t give a fuck but I just want it to be in black and white that there is no reason for him to do so. I just don’t want to end up ruining something that might in the far future turn out to be a good thing. I don’t want to drag this on, given all the forces against it. i don’t want to end up hating him.

i’ve never been so happy to be in so much pain.

I was late. 4 days late. I know, i guess I’m paranoid. It’s just that, I’ve never been so scared in my entire life. I’ve never been so scared about being pregnant in my entire life. I started thinking about what I would do if i were. I honestly did not have an answer. I don’t think the guy would ever marry me, and i don’t think i could ever bring myself to getting rid of the baby. I probably would be in very deep shit if that happened. So this morning, while i was getting ready to go to work, I felt the glorious pain. I called in sick, and lay in bed, crying because of the pain, but relieved that I didn’t have to worry about an unsolvable problem.

Then it made me think. Maybe I can never get pregnant. I seem to always have close calls, and I think I am the most wreckless with my sleeping habits. But i’m surprised i haven’t gotten myself pregnant yet. I’m also scared. Evuntually, if I do find myself a husband, he might not accept me because I can’t bear him children. I guess I’m not out of deep shit after all.

the science of man..

somebody should definitely write a book on how to deal with men. They say women are complicated, but men– I don’t even know how to describe them. I think women are easier to figure out, with men, it’s like everything is a random whiff.

after my last post, I saw mr. grant again. We had dinner and chatted and yes, I ended up staying over. He’s a nice guy.. funny and interesting. But he’s probably not the type of guy that I would probably enjoy simply because I don’t know anything that I have that can be amusing to him. He can probably make me happy but I don’t think I can do the same thing for him. I’m not that interesting a person and well, there are a lot more women here that would probably suit him. He seems like the classy type. A classy woman would fit nicely with him. For some reason, I guess it is interesting to have someone to look forward to seeing everyday but to be honest, I think in the long run, I’d probably get sick of him and he, much more sooner, of me. 

Mr. experience is different. I probably think of him every single moment of the day. He’s wonderful. He has dreams and ambitions that he’s not afraid to follow. He has ideals that he seems not to want to compromise. He was definitely brought up well because his parents are just awesome. They remind me much of my own when I look at them. He’s begun pursuing his dreams and I’m just hoping the best for him. It’s funny though. I thought that being in almost the same timezone would make it easier for us to talk and stay in touch but I guess I was wrong. Since most of his work involves not being in front of a computer all the time, I barely get to catch him online these days. It’s making me miss him a whole lot. I guess the cool thing is everytime I do catch him online, I’m always really excited to talk. I wonder if I’ll ever get fed up of this arrangement. I really hope that if he settles down though, he’d give us a chance to see what we have going here. I love him so much but I don’t want to tell him because I don’t want to scare him away. I know if i do, he’ll probably back offf because i know he cares enough about me to not want to hurt me. He’ll probably just make it easier for me to forget my feelings about him since it’ll be a while till he’s settling down. I just wish, that someday we could actually be together. 

I hope when I’m reading back on this, I’d be smiling to myself and telling myself that I knew all along.

oh no…

mr. experience is now in his new country, starting out his new life. We were supposed to talk before he left but his time didn’t allow it. He said that we could talk the when he got to vietnam, though that didn’t happen either. I guess this is the way it is going to be for the next few years.

Last night, I was at a party and the new guy was obviously into me. He seems like a decent guy too. I’ve had a crush on him since the first day he was toured around teh office as the new guy. He’s brit and I am a complete sucker for accents. Because I am still tired and sleepy– wait a minute, I’ll call him Mr. Grant, as in Mr. Hugh Grant. For some reason he reminds me a lot of him (you think it’s the accent?) Anyway, this guy is handsome. Not cute, but handsome. So handsome that there is not a moment that I see him in a social setting when girls aren’t fawning over him, dancing up on him, and last night was no exception.

We were in the same group that went to the after party. By the time we got there, everyone was already a bit high. And they weren’t that err.. shy about coming up to the Mr. Grant. Even the club dancers were up on him. amazing. British guys are lucky beasts i think. I seriously believe that it is the accent that gives them the edge.

Maybe it was because I was the only one who hasn’t been paying him much mind the whole time, we started chatting and he started asking me why i didn’t have a boyfriend. I told him i wasn’t looking. He told me i have no idea how attractive I am. That’s when I realized I’m not very good flattery.

So the night went on. As we got more and more intoxicated, he was talking closer and closer and holding me at the same time. And telling me that my hair smelled nice. He said that twice (is that a line?).

I had to excuse myself to go to the ladies room, then on my way back he was there and he asked me to wait for him. He went to the men’s room and when he got back, he suggested we go out. Next thing i knew, we were in a cab, kissing. (no it wasn’t alcoholic amnesia, i just cut to the chase). Of course, the rest is history. Two times: last night, and this morning.

What do i make of it? I don’t know. I don’t know how a guy’s mind works. What I think? I’m just another one of the weekend girls. I failed at that putting a price tag on myself test again. Sigh.

I guess you’re wondering wheter i feel guilty with Mr. Experience and all. The answer is yes. though he did say he would want me to find someone here, just not tell him about it. Now I’m realizing how dangerous that arrangement is. All I need is a decent guy really. I can choose to get along with someone.

why can’t life just be un complicated…